June 28, 2005

Today at 7pm I turn 26 years old. Today at 3am my grandmother Ruth Houston died at age 86. Quick math shows I have about 60 years left. Although men don't live as long, also I'm not very healthy. (People keep offering me cake and candy even though I'm on a diet. I don't care that it's me birthday I'm not having any cobbler.) I probably have 50 years left. That puts me surprising close to one third through my life. Men in our family have a history of heart disease, although recently lung cancer has been the leading cause of death. Granny Ruth didn't smoke though nor did she have heart problems, she died of being 86 and of having pneumonia.

Let me tell you a story about Granny Ruth:

Granny Ruth used to call me over when I was 16 on a Saturday. I'd go over and sweat in the sun for a four or five hours, breaking midway for a sandwich. (She loved to watch me eat. It also stunned her that I could lift a gallon of milk over my head. Anyways.) When the lawn was done I'd say, Â"Well, I better get moving on." She'd say, "Wait just a sec, hun." And go and fetch a pill bottle from the kitchen table. I know what your thinking a grandmother who pays for yard work in painkillers is pretty great, but she was after quarters. I'd get about 25-75 cents. I'd thank her and smiled. It was funny after all, I'd have done it for free but to be paid in quarters was humorous.

On the same thread: One year for Christmas she gave me a clock from her house and her late husbands dress shirt. I could have probably fit into it when I was 13. Now my forearm couldn't fit down the armhole. I thanked her and smiled. The clock had belonged to my grandfather and my mother wanted to keep it, so I gave it to her. She has my grandfathers clock still; it doesn't run, but neither does my grandfather. (We weren't supposed to do gifts that year we'd agreed upon a Chinese gift exchange. But it wasn't Christmas unless the kids unwrap something. So we all got clocks.) She was thoughtful, downright anxious; it's a family thing: Anxiety. I suffer as well but am a third generation worrier and hide it better.

On the same thread: I was broke, hungry, depressed and out of work at Harding. The Spring Sing paycheck was four weeks away. Rent was overdue and the tuition people had put a hold on my bookstore account. Granny Ruth gave me a $500 check without even thinking about it. It stunned me. Was this the same woman who paid 6 cents an hour for lawn work and gave me a second hand clock with a missing second hand? I thanked her and smiled. She has since given me lots of things, furniture, a computer, she told me a month ago I could have anything from her house that I could carry out. I took a set of "hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil" monkeys they are in my office now.

I love Granny Ruth. Her funeral is on Friday at 10am. I've been told I'm a pallbearer. I cried uncontrollably last time I was a pallbearer and said I wouldn't do it again. Crying like a baby on the back row is bad enough; I cry loudly it turns out. But crying in the front of the church is even worse. Never the less, I've agreed to the post. I need to buy new pants, mine have paint on them from VBS.

Monday Morning Quarter Back: Oprah Stinks

Ok.

Last post: Nobody commented, how sad. Maybe nobody reads on the weekend.

Movie review: Bewitched. Durwood - trying to hard to be funny but funny. Samantha - approaching Meg Ryan levels of over-cuteness. Uncle Arthur - dead impression. The dad - reminds me of Alfred from batman. Overall rating 14 chevrons out of 20. --> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Oprah: See is offended and crying fowl (and 'racist') when she was recently turned away from some fashion boutique when she arrive after the store was closed. She somehow expect that the store would open for her even though it past closing. When they didn't it became "The most embarrassing experience of my life." Well, I guess she's never been embarrassed even though she's cried on TV, and gained and lost weight a hundred times, and lives with her boyfriend who she's not married to. But it's 'racist' if you don't let Oprah shop after closing time. What this really looks like is that Oprah has lost touch with what normal people deal with every day. She is entitled to special treatment. But in her defense what retailer working on commission would not let Oprah into their store. The lady lights her diamond encrusted cigars with burning Strativarious guitar which she lights with a hundred dollar bill.

I love my job. But I get tired looking at July when I'll be gone 15 days and home 2 nights. I need more boxer-briefs to survive this laundromatic-catastrophy.

I'm thinking of writing a childrens book called. "The Mustache Butterfly." With Sequel books, "The Mustache Buttefly Strikes Back" and "The Return of the Mustache Butterfly."

Ps: Yes I know, there are only 13 chevrons on that line. Deal with it. And what kind of loser counts them anyway?

The Weekend Update

Ok so there has been a lot of blowback on the cartoon post. If you read the comments I replied in a caustic manner to "Cajun Cowgirl" who I didn't know I knew. Turns out she's one of my good friends here at SR. She was annoyed with my rude response but I told her if I'd have known it was here I wouldn't have held back. Being my friend runs the risk of a verbal assault. (Just as Lindsey Holder)

Ok second,

Here is some original content for this post:

I came across these two song lyrics on the radio yesterday.

1. "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." (Bob Seger, Against the Wind)
2. "I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger." (The Faces - Ooh la la)

Ok so there are these two different sentiments about the past. I know I'm still young (25 years old, 362 days, I'm not sure about the hours. I was born at a very early age and don't remember my time of birth), but I sometimes feel both of these ideas as "young" as I am.

But of course age is relative. During VBS at diner the Kelly and Barnes kids had a small argument about whether or not I'm a kid. The end result of that tete-a-tete was that if I am an adult I'm not like their parents. (True enough.)

So do you feel like you wish you were as innocent of though now as you were as a child. And not have to worry about taxes, relationship, liver disease, lung cancer, dangerous carneys, and thermonuclear war.

OR

Do you wish you could have some of the wisdom of your current age back when you were younger.

So I leave it to you, which do you prefer:
1. "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." (Bob Seger, Against the Wind)
2. "I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger." (The Faces - Ooh la la)

A few items: %, Links, Dogimony, Facial Hair, Atkins, Timeline, & Idol Worship

First of all: Great Job Altemasa on your VBS. Check Emily's blog about pet peeves to learn how much of that script I am truly responsible for. I think we settled on 64.5% Emily, 34% Trey, and 1% Ad-libs, 1/2% Poor singing.

Secondly: I updated my links. There you are all on there. If you are not then it's not that I don't like you, it's that I've forgotten you exist. Post a comment and I'll remember you next time.

Thirdly: My Dog Molly, is now officially Travis' dog Molly. I gave her up to avoid abusing her by leaving her in the apartment for 15 hours at a time during VBS. But over the last month Travis and she have really bonded. Molly is better behaved and happier than I've seen her. Travis also spends more money on feeding the dog that he does on himself. Therefore I've agreed to pay him Dogimony every month. Our lawyers will settle the actual amount but I want Molly to be happy and want to maintain my visitation rights.

Fourthly: I'm considering growing a beard. I haven't shaved since Sunday to have a look at it.

Fifth: The Atkins Diet, I'm back on the wagon. But instead of being that Water Wagon that popularized the expression before prohibition. I am on the bacon wagon.

Sixth: This post wasn't really done at 4:38am. It just like lying to you about when I post my blog.

Seventh: I once advised Patty Weaver that we go about party planning the wrong way. We choose a theme then hit up 5 party stores trying to find all the junk that matches our theme. I said we just need to go to the store and see what themes they are selling and build an event around that. Today I followed my own advice. At party city I found they had hundreds of Tiki Idol things on sale: Plates, cups, napkins, bowls, tongs, room decorations. So my 4th and 5th grade boys lock-in is Tiki themed, with the message warning against Idol worship. Get it? All done in one stop. Rock on Party City! They gave me an additional 20% off because I worked for a church! Did you know they did that?

How come.... Cartoons addition.

I mentioned once before that Lisa Kelly thinks I watch too many cartoons....

How come Thomas the Tank never moves medical waste or radioactive goo up that mountain?

How come JJ the Jet plane never drops high yield ordinance over populated areas?

How come Nemo is never served with lemon butter?

How come nobody ever manages to "catch them all" on Pokemon? Sub-question: When the humane society step in and remove pikachu from ash's custody? Those duels are just cock-fights gone mad.

How come Yu-Gi-Oh's hair do that thing it does even when sticking his head out of a helicopter owned by Kaiba Corp?

How come Deputy Dog never made Sheriff?

How come He-man and She-ra never hooked up?

How come the Transformers appear to gain and loose mass when transforming? Sub-question: How come they make that "Ra-e-wa-oo" sound? Sub-sub Question: How come none of them ever transformed into a Defribrulator or that machine they use to kill veal?

How come Scooby Doo never leaves a scoopy poo on the carpet? (They never take him for a walk you know.)

How come Mucha Lucha is about Mexican wrestlers who speak only English? Sub-question: How come none of the wrestling matches end with a stretcher or a hearse?

How come I only recently realized Tweety Bird was a boy?

How come G.I. Joe never killed anybody with all those guns and rockets? (They always managed to jump out at the last second.) Sub-question: How come they never blasted JJ the Jetplane out of the air?

How come that cat never ate one of those Smurfs and then smiled real big with blue teeth?

How come Dora the Explora never gets caught in a bear trap while or exploring, for that matter where are the dysentery, measles and cannibals?

How come Underdog never turned evil and just broke a man over his knee like a yardstick?

How come the Road Runner was never tested for performance enhancing drungs? Sub-question: How come that coyote only talked in half the episodes?

How come Charlie Brown never went on a vacation to Asia where he accidentally ate Snoopy after they got separated at a Chinese food place?

How come Speed Racer never traded in his car for a Hybrid Gas-Electric or is it too much to ask for a DWI Speed Racer?

How come the Rugrats never fall down the stairs?

How come George of the Jungle's ape friend Ape never bashed him over the head with a rock to protect our dwindling rain forrest from repeatedly crashes with George?

How come Rocky and Bullwinkle never tried to smuggle drugs in from Mexico?

How come Popeye never died of lung cancer from that pipe of his? I'd like to see and episode where a doctor says "It's inoperable" and he reaches for a can a spinach and the doctor says "That won't help you this time, Popeye." So Popeye puts his big forearm back on the blanket and Olive Oil runs out crying waving here spindly legs. All the while Sweet Pea is up on top of the building but without Popeye there to rescue him he falls through the roof of Bluto's Lexus. How come I never see stuff like that?

Inside the Actors Studio Questions

Every episode of Inside the Actors Studio always contains these 10 questions. I like the show, here are my answers. I'd like to here yours as well. (In fact I stole this idea from my friend Ashley's Blog)

1. What is your favorite word? Moxy
2. What is your least favorite word? Shush
3. What turns you on? (creatively, spiritually, or emotionally) - Working with other people
4. What turns you off? Being stifled by other people
5. What is your favorite curse word? Well now, this is a tricky one. I think my favorite is often abbreviated by these three letters. (Edited)
6. What sound do you love? A girl's laughter, and to a lesser extent children crying at church.
7. What sound do you hate? A child being smacked around in public, like walmart. I also include emotional abuse like "shut up stupid" in this category.
8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? Writer (Fiction, Theatrical and Comic Book), or a scientist
9. What profession would you not like to participate in? Something all alone, in a hot place... like Roadkill pickup in death valley. I also couldn't do a job where I had to sit still all day... like John Scott.
10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? "Well done you funny ***." (Edited due to mention of question 5)

The Good News is that I don't have to worry about "If heaven exists."

You are not supposed to over think these things. If you asked the same 10 questions in a month my answers might all change and that'd be ok. Lets here your 10, you might want to cue each question with stuff like:
1. Fav Word - Yada.
2. Non-Fav Word - Blada

My Birthday Blog

My Birthday is one week from today, I will be 26 years old. 312 months. 9496.5 Days (leap days add that fraction). 227,916 hours. 13,674,960 minutes. 820,497,600 seconds. Why is that 820 million seconds seems much longer than 9496 days? Perhaps my math is wrong but I doubt it.

If you don't want to read the history of me skipping my birthday skip down to the last paragraph starting with OK: New Plan.

Those who know me know I've long avoided birthday parties and celebrations of this type. I've often been asked, "Why didn't you tell us it's your birthday?" a ew weeks after the date. Its harder than you think to avoid birthdays for a number of years.

It was easy in elementary school to skip it. It was a summer birthday and easily overlooked. I did have to suffer through a "family party." The only upside is that I got a cake in the shape of R2D2 one time. Why do we stop having fun cakes? It doesn't matter, I couldn't eat cake on my diet now anyway.

In Junior High the teacher always made a big deal in home room about your birthday. I thought I was golden because of the summer month thing. But then she sprung the 1/2 birthday thing on a girl born June 1st on December 1st because she had cried when she realized she'd be skipped. I was going to be on the hook but as it turns out June 28th's 1/2 birthday falls over Christmas Break, crisis averted. The teacher forgot and I didn't bring it up.

In high school I tried just keeping the date a secret. Unfortunately this backfired horribly as people just had to figure it out and plan something annoying for the boy who was hiding his birthday. I had to remove the mystery from the event to keep people from planning these type of things.

If you met me at Harding you probably never knew when my birthday was. I'd always respond when asked when it is by saying, "oh it was a couple months ago". That way people felt guilty about missing it and dropped the subject. Or say that "why didn't you tell me?" line. If pressed I'd act hurt and say, "it's really no big deal that you missed it."

If you knew me at ACU I developed a new lie about my birthday. When asked I'd say, "Well, it's September 11th." They'd say "Oh really." And I'd just shrug and say, "Well, you know." This was good, no rational person plans a party for September 11th. I occasionally felt guilty but who am I harming. It was the perfect lie, there was no mystery to stir people interest and no hope a large party.

Well this year all my best laid lies have been shattered by the Saturn Road Bulletin. On the first Sunday of June they printed a Birthday calendar. And lo and behold, there I was sitting correctly on Tuesday, June 28th. What's a boy to do? I guess it's time I gave up hiding it. Like I said, I can't eat an R2D2 cake (even if it's sugar-free its too high in carbs).

Part of the reason I don't like birthdays is I feel guilty accepting gifts. But someone recently said to me that it is unchristian to not accept charity and gifts. We are called to give to those in need and its a cultural thing to honor someone on their birthday. And so if I turn these things down its removing from the giver a chance to give. I still don't really buy that and I'm not technically in need. Although... I do need an ipod. So...

OK: New plan - Best Buy Gift Certificates. An iPod is too expensive to be given as a gift to me. I'd feel horribly guilty. But if I just got a handful of 5, 10 or 20 dollar gift certificates it would be a manageable level of guilt and I could get an ipod and be as cool as Samantha Bingham.

What day is today.

Last week after VBS it felt like it was Saturday on Thursday because I didn't have to stress over VBS anymore.

Then Friday was like Sunday because I woke up and prayed for a long time which I usualy don't do on Friday. I usually sleep in and pray less.

Then Saturday Felt like a Friday because I had to get ready for Bible Class on Sunday and help with the cast party.

Sunday felt something like a Monday as it is the first day of the work week for me. But then I went to FW for the evening so it was like a half-day of Monday and a half-day of Saturday.

Now its... Monday I think... and it feels like Labor Day.

I'm not sure but I think Nebuchadnezzar Eve is tomorrow.

Does anyone ever get their weekly internal clock all out of wack.

VBS is over... now what

I've got that post VBS let down. I wont be seeing all my friends four times a week now. I will finally have time to do my dishes and fix up my flat but those things aren't as fulfilling. In short, I'm lonely.

I hope I get to FW today but if I don't Happy Fathers Day Dad. I think you are easily in the top 100,000 fathers world wide. But given that there are 3 billion men on this planet and probably 2 billion of those are fathers you are still in the 99th percentile which is pretty darn good.

My Grandmother is ill and I haven't visited her yet. I'm a bad grandson. I'll have to break out of here and visit her. I feel really guilty but I've been to busy to leave. Bible hour may have to survive without my supervision tonight. (This is the grandmother I spent two months with while we waited for my Grandfather to die. I had never spent so much time with him and I managed to get close to him right before he died. Part of me liked that I got to know him and part of me thinks it would have been easier if I'd never spent that time with him.) This blog has taken a morose turn. I'll end it now before it gets worse.

VBS Night Four - The Rise and Fall of Trey

Three Nights had gone completely awesome. I was worried about night 4 because I had to rely on a loose cannon for one of the parts... me. I was late learning my lines, couldn't learn my own choreography and of course there was the incident.

Let me set the stage, "Big Shaky" is a 7 foot tall platform on a three foot tall platform build in our auditorium. It was built by Neil Plunkett who refused to get on top of it. (Hint hint we did call it Big Shaky.)

I had been walking up the stairs holding my moo-moo when I felt my mic slip so I grabbed it. I tripped on the top step on my robe and the audience gasped. My friends reached out and grabbed me as I righted myself. But then we were all so ticked we couldn't stop laughing. As I tripped I said, "OH!" But I managed to work it into "OH!... King Live Forever." At this point I have no idea what my lines are. So I say, "Oh King aren't we very high off the ground." The audience laughed - they were happy to see I was ok and back in good spirits. I remembered my next line, Cecil stopped laughing, and we moved on. Thank God.

The Lions were FABULOUS I could watch the audience and the kindergarteners were in stunned silence (which is rare for a group of 60 kids).

My fellow CPAs handled my flub well and kept on rolling. King Darius was on last night as well, he did a great job... "Oh me, My. No, I mean, Oh my, me." Very funny.

Of course Daniel delivered. Will (our Daniel) has been solid throughout the entire show. Way to go Will.

I will be thanking everyone personally but let me say well done and thank you to all of you for like the thousandth time.

Then we had STRIKE! Since so many of us stayed we made it to IHOP by Midnight... mmm pancakes. We had a great time. We were so loud they stopped seating people near us. (Good job.) If you missed it, stay for strike next time, but here is a brief recap from my end of the table... the other end was far away and I missed some of it.

Arrive
Sit
More Arrive and Sit
We order drinks.
More arrive and sit in others laps.
I propose a toast to Daniel/Will Moses! (Rapping on side of glass with a spoon loudly.)
We get drinks and finish them
We wonder where the waitress is.
We order.
I propose a toast to King Neb (again the annoying spoon thing.)
Jeff gets up and leaves his phone.
We take pictures of us making faces with Jeff's phone.
We chat very loudly and annoying begin to talk about next years VBS.
We take a picture of me licking Jeff's fork and returning it to the napkin ring.
Others rap on glasses and offer toasts to all manner of people!
The pancakes arrive.
We pray for our pancakes. (The only moment of silence during the meal, the waiters and other patrons all stare at our sudden silence.)
We eat noisily.
We laugh a lot.
We begin to check watches and make vague threats about skipping work.
We pay our tab, tip well for our annoyance and leave.

A good time was had by all. I think that's what its all about. We glorified God, taught the Bible and had a GREAT TIME doing it. That's camaraderie people. Camaraderie. If you missed it you can come to the cast party. If you weren't part of the cast you can be part of it next year.

Thanks again for the hard work and friendship,
Trey

VBS Night Three - The paint never dried

Then paint on the mene tekel parsin wall never dried! From when we painted it, thru its special effects life, then we took it down after the night and it was still wet... but... it worked beautifully. The fog machine proved too complex a machine for me to control but it came on and looked good. Thanks so much for my last minute painters and tech crew!

Joey delivered a strong performance as a weak character.

All the dancing issues resolved themselves and things looked good and if one step was out of place it was ok. It was a little funny but that kind of thing doesn't bother the kids, it just reminds us all this is LIVE THEATRE!

I'm keeping it short because I don't know all my own lines for tomorrow.

I'll see you then, and thanks again to everyone who's helped! Keep on praying that God will bring visitors to our church for the grand finale tomorrow.

Trey

Ps. The maintenance department is angry at me again, my Achilles heel (paperwork) has returned to haunt me. If it's not digital it's dead to me but I'll try and do better.

VBS Night Two - Rise of the Ham

Sunday featured a real pigs head but tonight had even more HAM!

John Scott made his cameo appearance as the Angel in the fiery fiery furnace. He was late entering, didn't do his blocking and didn't do all his choreography but he definitely stole the show. Thunderous applause! Way to go John. (He wasn't that late on his entrance really.)

The rest of cast did a good job as well. A few lines got jumbled in order but that is live theatre. It takes real talent to rally when a line is dropped, think on your feet and get back on track. And, of course, the audience was completely oblivious that anything went wrong. Because nothing was wrong it was just different from practice. Actors are always hard on themselves.

Bing did a good job blowing the horn for all to bow. But I asked for bum ba da dum. And she gave me a bum bum ba dum da dum. Still it was really good and clear on a home grown trumpet made by Jennifer. (The only people harder on themselves than actors are musicians.)

Neil and Neil did their part absolutely right for the first time ever on stage. Their Abbot and Costello bit got some good laughs.

We ironed out the tech glitches so the Wizards could be heard and they did well, like last-night only we could hear them better.

The Golden Statue was big and golden as promised.

Then entire cast still impresses me! The flames tonight had to come back on stage for a photo shoot! Next year, I promise more female parts with lines and songs and stuff.

Two down, two to go. God has really blessed these performance, keep us in your prayer for the next two nights as well.

VBS Night One - No casualties

Lisa Kelly just said I watch too many cartoons. Thus:

"Overture, curtain, lights, this is it the night of nights. No more rehearsing and hearsing our parts, we know every part by heart." (From, of course, Bugs Bunny.)

Last night marks the move from Rehearsal to Performance. For most, this means the work is over and the fun begins! Over 6 weeks of hard work culminate in four nights!

Sunday's VBS went terrific! There were a couple of tech glitches that couldn't be helped (like a light tree getting kicked and unplugged). But the kids didn't seem to notice and had a terrific time. I'm so blessed to have soooo many people working on this project that is definitely "Our VBS" not "My VBS."

I try and lay the best of plans but of course things go south and last minute changes must be made. Every time there is an obstacle my friends and crew rally and we adapt and overcome, I'm really lucky.

The songs were well sung. The jokes were funny. Of course Marshall Aldriedge (local celeb) got applause by just appearing on stage!

I honestly feel guilty because so many people thanked me and I don't think enough of the cast and crew got a pat on the back. They are making me look good and my part has become smaller as others have risen to take on challenges.

On the down side I've horribly stressed out the maintenance department, it was my fault we had poor communication, I did not clearly express what I needed.

We made a quick turn around to prep for tomorrow and off we go! I'm hungry and I don't want to waste time spell checking so... goodnight neverland and thanks so much to our cast and crew and Saturn Road family for making this possible.

Feel free to post your comments here about night one!

Jeff Brooks is on the Bad List

The other day Jeff Brooks, our High School youth minister, was shaving and cut into his goatee and mustaches. He decided to shave it all off and start over. No problem, right? Wrong, the contract he signed allows no facial hair changes this close to VBS, he's King Neb. Well, half of Jeff's personality is that facial hair... but I didn't really worry about that.

Then! Yesterday a teenager was showing off his cutco high pressure sales tactics and Jeff picked up a knife. The teen said, be careful, but Jeff proceeded to sharpen a pencil with the knife, as he'd seen in a demonstration. But in the demo the knife moved away from the hand and in Jeff's version he moved toward his... THUMB! Blood squirting, wife gasping, Trey laughing. He goes to Prima Care and gets 7 stitches! The real shame is that the knife he used was not for meat but for cutting vegetable, but hey, that's Cutco Quality!

So Jeff calls and says, "How do you feel about Neb is a big white gauzy thumb." So now I guess we'll give him a big white glove or something. King Neb is awaiting the Jackson verdict now as well.

When I'm Dead

Most people of a list of questions to ask in heaven, or people to talk to. Not me. I want to finish all the things I started down here first.

I've gotten into the habit of saying, "I'll do X when I'm dead," when I get busy.

Here is a list of things I've said I'll do when I'm dead. I will likely be busy for a few years catching up on these things.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.
I'll change my oil when I'm dead.
I'll check my email when I'm dead.
I'll learn my lines when I'm dead.
I'll write June's Starkidz Newletter when I'm dead.
I'll do laundry when I'm dead.
I'll get a better apartament when I'm dead.
I'll eat right when I'm dead. (This may lead to premature death.)
I'll ride my bike when I'm dead.
I'll finish Dostoyevski when I'm dead.
I'll have a life when I'm dead.

In all honesty I hope to do these things after VBS and before I actually die (next year's VBS).

Vicious Diatribe: Bumber Stickers Rant

I HATE BUMPER STICKERS!A 10-point font whizzing by at 60 seconds is not enough time for me to get an idea about your personality. Also bumper stickers are like tattoos you get the first one with a lot of thought, and then you get addicted and cover your body without thinking.

Here's an idea put them on the inside of your car so you can see how clever or dedicated you are and I don't have to. As with anything that is mass-produced: This is not an opportunity for creativity. If someone prints out thousands of the same thing and you choose one of them you are not being creative. You are creative if you make your own bumper stickers out of white duck tape and a sharpie. (The same creatively challenged people often buy t-shirts with witty phrases on them, and feel proud. Look my shirt says, "Sarcasm, just another free service I offer." {I actually own that shirt, it's sad to say.})

Small writing stickers: It is too hard to read those things. We need a congressional law banning letters smaller than 6 inches tall. Think how many wrecks you'd prevent. And if you have more than 5 bumper stickers people should be allowed to ram you from behind without fear of prosecution. And when you get up close you are let down by... "My son and my money go to XU." I think it should say, "My son and my money go down the drain at the same center for conformity."

Political bumper stickers: Please don't bother, if you do please remove them if your candidate looses. In fact if your candidate loses all cars with those bumper stickers should be crushed and melted. That would show more dedication. If you have the guts to entrust your car to some politician then you are really dedicate.Patriotic bumper stickers: I don't really like them either. As a Christian I don't see the USofA as any greater than any other country, try and think "Great Commission" here, the entire world. Worst of all are the American Flag bumper stickers. The sun always washes them out. Can't we make a colorfast bumper sticker? Every car is driving around with the old "yellow, white and beige" on their back bumper. As per the ribbons for our troops, I like those if you can name someone by name that is in active duty.

Religious bumper stickers: Now I'm all for letting your light shine. But lets be honest, they have never converted anyone. I’d like to see some guy drive another man off the road and say, “Pardon me, can you tell me about that Ichthus on your back bumper.” Also I’ve have a man give me the “the bird” who had “the fish” on his bumper. Also the Darwin Fish W/ a Foot is too cutesy. Come now people, you’re supposed to be a scientist, get a respectable bumper logo.

Here is a list of original bumper stickers for you to write on white duck tape with sharpies. (Be sure letters are 6 inches tall.)

"I drive an SUV and think I'm safe but my car kills more kids than land mines."
"If you get close enough you can watch my kids DVD."
"Sign up for speed-reading at the Academy for Speed Readers. Drop by our tan and orange building next to the McDonalds on 1st for a free Speed Reading screening. Open Monday thru Thursday, Odd Hours only, but not Jewish Holidays. Thank you, Melissa Perkins President of the DSRS. (Dallas Speed Reading Society)”
“Save the environment, drive me off the road.”
“I believe in something that takes more than one bumper sticker to explain.”
“Looking for God? Follow this car to church.”
“My car is a hybrid: ½ Gas. ½ Hamster in a Wheel.”
“Caution Woman Driver: I’ve got one hand on the wheel, one on the phone, and one on the makeup.”
“Caution Man Driver: Don’t pass me or I’ll have to pass you back to prove I’m a tough guy.”
“Caution Teen Age Drive: I’m immortal!”
“Caution Elderly Driver: Life is too short to check my blind spots.”

I could go on but I hate bumper stickers.

Submit your own ORIGINAL bumper stickers in a post if you like.
Also submit how many lifetime bumper stickers you’ve owned and what they said. I’ve owned 0.

Monday Morning Quarter Back: Men and Choreography

Yesterday went extremely well, the cast was very adaptable to the lack of the stage. I'm very impressed with my cast who is now off book, da da dum! The Night One Cast really set the bar high for the rest of the VBS performances. They were off book and did a great job with their choreography. Keep up the good work, and lets hope night two goes as well!

Rabbit trail: Men and Choreography (and some women too).

Dear Men, who are reluctant, and Women, who roll their eyes (That's basically everyone.)

There is no use fighting the choreography. If you moan and drag your feet, you are wasting your time to learn the dance. Every time we start choreography people seem to think it's impossible but eventually get it, and it looks fantastic from the audience. Sometimes we act like a child getting into a cold pool. One-inch-at-a-time. Just JUMP IN! It'll be more fun and you will look better.

Take for example Zach Hancock who is like a dancing machine! (Oops, I mean, rhythmic movement machine.) It may seem silly but people don't watch individual dancers as much as they get a big picture of everyone dancing together... I mean stylized body contortion. Teen-agers suffer from what is known as the "imaginary audience" where they believe everything they do is under the intense scrutiny of everyone around them; I believe that this resurfaces when people they agree to be in VBS. You will only look "silly" if you are off the music then you will stick out and draw focus from the soloist.

And here is a bit of good news: This is for KIDS! If you do your dance... I mean steps... right they'll love it. Picture their little-happy-cool-aid-mustached-faces! And if you do make a mistake the kids are very forgiving. They will laugh and think it's all part of the show so keep on DANCING... uhm, I mean choreography-ing.

Hugs, Kisses and Jazz-Hands,

T-Lizzle

P.s. Let's face it choreography is dancing. There I said it!

P.s.s. You are doing a great job!

Weekend Follow Ups: Throw Up, Set Up, Hook Up

Throw Up: 4th and 5th Grades, Six Flags Recap: Stand in line, scream, eat foot long sausage, ride Mr. Freeze, almost throw up, find Michael Knapp, stand in rain, stand in line, scream, get tired, free Frosties, come home. A good time was had by all. (Pictures coming soon.)

Set Up: My VBS cast and crew probably think I'm crazy but I spent my last free day before VBS helping a friend at her VBS in Fort Worth. RH is doing the Moses script that Emily and I wrote, it looks fantastic.

Hook up: I got a barrage of comments and emails concerning my last two hook up posts. Let me condense my responses by saying, it was supposed to be funny not a hand slapping. My primary concern is that I do not gossip and am the last to hear juicy rumors. But when even I find out that there is scheming going on, everybody else already knows. So go ahead and hook me up, but keep it between the three of us: You, me, and the lovely, talented, video-game-heiress I'm going to marry.

P.s. Stacey you are acting like Mom.

DACLT,MH: The Two Lists

On this episode of "Dogs and cat's living together, mass hysteria" I provide two lists.

I can see now it is impossible to fight the hook up, so I might as well facilitate it to my own ends. So if you want to hook me use one of these two lists

Now to the lists.

When you sit down to think about your "dream person" you end up making a list of attributes and character traits. This ideal person does not exist anywhere in the world. But here is my list, neither list is really in any order:

• Good sense of humor
• Committed Member of the Church of Christ
• Attractive
• Wants children
• Lots of energy
• Like things, has opinions - I hate people who say "Whatever" to everything.
• Smart - Not an Einstein but still smart
• Reads books - Magazine readers not needed
• Nice
• Someone who is good at the things I'm not good at: thank you notes, birthdays, junk drawer purging, etc - in short a suitable helper
• Easy going
• Likes me

Now the second list. While making that first list I started thinking about the a list of characteristics shared by my actual ex-girlfriends. You may notice some differences

• Good sense of humor but doesn't know it
• Very Attractive (I didn't know it until I looked back at my dating record how shallow I am)
• Member of some Christian faith (including a couple Baptists, and one 7th Day Adventurist and one Catholic)
• Wants either no kids or seventeen.
• "Aggressive"... wink wink... if you catch my meaning
• Smart but doesn't believe it
• Reads only when forced.
• Sarcastic
• Possessive
• Jealous
• OCD
• Likes the "idea" of being with me

So good luck people,

Trey

New Item: Full Time Minister. Being a children's minister either scares off girls or attracts a strange following. Nobody wants to be married to Ned Flanders, but trust me I'm closer to Homer. Of course there are some Flanders Followers, they are usually disappointed in me.

The Hook Up

Apparently, everyone but me shares the same hobby. "Hook up Trey." The problem is nobody is any good at this game. Here are a few guidelines:

First, Anyone my mother or grandmother recommend will never be considered. (Stacey is trying to be added to this list I think.)

Here is an important consideration: People I already know. They need not be pushed at me. If I have contact with someone then there is very little in the way of our burgeoning romance.

People also often underestimate how shallow, inane and non-committal I can be. Everything can look good on paper but there is always a chance I will bolt.

Here is what makes me feel guilty even though I have no control over it. The rumor mill. You tell one person and they tell two and they tell three... then suddenly the person you want me to fall in love with thinks I'm smitten and becomes twitterpaited herself. Then I rebel against your arranged-marriage-unequal-yoking and the poor soul gets her heart stepped on. Even though I never knew it, the whole church thinks we're engaged, then they have to deal with our divorce (before we even dated.)

Kelly the Intern is reading this and says, whoever you hook me up with must be, "Stunningly beautiful and submissive."

Trey says, "Kelly is very wise."