Tomorrow I Turn 30

Two years, seven months and 13 days ago I made my Tricenarian List, I highly suggest you read it. A Tricenarian is someone who is 30.

I had a lot of stuff on there I wanted to get done before I am 30. I have done none of them. Each is a little personal failure.

But I consider the time since then a great success because I met and married Sara.

Perhaps I'll make a list of stuff to do before I'm 40. As long as I have Sara then I'm sure I'll look back and consider the next 10 years a great success.

I also can't help but think that Jesus was 30 when he started his ministry. I'm sure I won't be as successful as him, I certainly won't walk as far, but I hope to do something that he would do if he was walking (or driving) around today.

Last Night Was Valentine's Day

For Valentines Day Sara got me tickets to see "Flight of the Conchords" at Nokie and last night was the night! (Thanks, Babe!)

If you haven't heard of them your no longer cool. They are a New Zealand Novelty Duo. They have a show on HBO.

They talked between each song, which they explained to us up front:

"This is how we do it. We do a song then we talk a bit. Song. Talk. Song. Talk. Sometimes we just go song-song. And other times we go talk-talk... but you probably won't notice that."

Right off the bat I told Sara we had accidentally stumbled onto an "Ironic T-Shirt Competition" I thought about giving you my top 10 Stupid T-Shirts I saw but 9 of them are too profane to describe.

Also at Nokia they serve people drinks in that kind of disposable cup that are like kind of nice but still thin cheap plastic. They look like real glasses but they are just trash. Anyway, you wouldn't believe the people who thought these made excellent souvenirs. First, you are just advertising how much you drank. Second, they are trash!

I'm not surprised stupid college kids to take these home. Man, between us three room mates we got a set of 24 margarita glasses! I was surprised to see people in their 30's taking them home!

Ok, to go to this concert you basically have to have enough money to get HBO and buy tickets. This means you should know better than take home an armload of trash! But I'm sure the janitorial staff appreciates it.

I assume people wake up the next morning hung over, look in their sink at the sticky, dirty trash cups they brought home the night before and shake their heads in amazement at who they have become!

48546

I Hate Reply All

There are many annoying email things going on now!
I hate Reply All. You should too. It is over used and annoying.

Here is an example of how Reply All abuse gets started:

To: (40+ email accounts in the office)
Subject: FYI - Kitty is Sick

"Hey guys, just FYI, I'll be a little late getting back from lunch, I have
to take Ms. Kitty Paws to the vet.

Thanks for your prayers,
Fake Name McGoo

This email may contain sensitive information that should not
be shared with anyone. Other legal mumbo jumbo, etc etc.
"

Ok, so this email has several problems:
First, I don't care about your cat.
Second, you emailed too many people this information. They probably agree with point 1.
Third, you put everyone's email in the To: line.
Fourth, your automatic email attached a legal disclaimer to the bottom of an email about your cat. (I didn't know Ms. Kitty Paws' health records were privileged information... and if it is why email everyone on your contact list.)

But lets pretend this is information that everyone needs to know, not a cat-update. If everyone needs to know they all need to get the email but do they all need to be on the To: line? NO!

Also, don't make the mistake of putting everyone on the CC: line either. Most likely everyone needs to be on the BCC: line. If more people did this the Reply All wouldn't be so abused and annoying.

Reply All is only if everyone on the list needs the information your distributing. Here is an example of what not to do:

To: (Everyone McGoo emailed)
Subject: Re: FYI - Kitty is sick.

"McGoo,

Hope your cat doesn't need a purrrscription!

LOL,
Fitzelroy"

Ok, now everyone has gotten two silly emails, one about a cat being sick and one with a bad pun. The problem is everyone else wants to get in the act so you get 10 more emails with messages like:

• I hope her illness doesn't give her paws.
• Are you taking her to the vet in a CAT-illac?
• Maybe the cat has mono does she HISS and tell?
• Why won't you tell us what the vet said? Cat got your tongue?
• Is she CAT-atonic?
• Etc.

As you can see people think they are funny when they are not. Please do not reply all! The people I know who are truly funny don't reply all.

In Conclusion:

• Start treating peoples Email address like their home phone number. Don't just give it out to anybody. Use BCC!
• If you must Reply do so only to those individuals who need the info which is most likely only the person who sent it and not ALL.
• If you must reply all, make sure it is really funny!

48409

Trey Update: Stream of Consiousness

Ok, so I've been through some changes and people are probably asking themselves, "What's up with Trey now?" So I figured I'd give you guys the det's stream of consciousness style.

• Personal Fear: Heights
• Height: 6' in the morning, 5'11'' at bedtime
• Bedtime: 11:00pm-1:00am
• Favorite AM Radio Station: Sports Talk 1310 the Ticket
• Recent Ticket Purchase: Flight of the Concords at Nokia.
• Nokia product owned: Backpack
• Items in Backpack: KenKen Puzzle Book, Moleskin notebook and book "Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay." (About 2 comic book writing kids in the 40s.)
• Where I want to be when I'm 40: Alive.
• Favorite scene from the movie Alive: Where they eat that soccer player
• Favorite thing about Soccer: They occasionally crash into mountains and eat each other cannibal style.
• Favorite cannibal: Hannibal
• Favorite feat of Hannibal: Crossing the Alps mountain range
• Favorite Mountain: Big Rock Candy Mountain (folk song)
• Favorite Folk Movie: A Mighty Wind
• Favorite name for wind: Maria
• Favorite Maria Carie Song: "Vision of Love"
• Love of my life: Sara
• Other person names Sara(h) I like: Palin 2012
• Where I want to be in 2012: Either at World Cup in Brazil hoping to see people eat each other or in Norway exploring my Norse roots.
• Norse god of Mischief my dog is named after: Loki
• Loki's reaction to loud noises: Fear
• Personal Fear: Heights

There I hope that was informative but somehow I doubt it.

48299

10 Last Minute April Fools Gags

So if you're like me your six feet tall and named Trey. If you also like me you like a good April Fools gag. And if you're like me in a third way you forgot to plan anything epic.

If so... You're in luck! Here is a list of 10 Last Minute April Fools Gags:

1. Limp into a room with a pained expression, when somebody asked what happened say, "April Fools" then do a little jig.

2. Leave a post-it on someone's desk saying "Don't forget our 3pm appointment! :)" Don't sign it. (They'll be like "what did I forget?" all day until 3!)

4. Cut off your finger in the paper cutter for real and people will think its a gag finger but then you get blood on them.

5. Ask if you can bring anyone lunch back and then get the order all wrong or better yet, don't bring them anything... OR! bring them something their allergic to like peanut butter hidden in the hamburger. Classic April Foolery!

6. Send an email to a coworker asking to check if your email account is working.

7. Gather a whole bunch of pennies. In a crowded area accidentally drop them and say, "Everybody freeze! One of these pennies is magic!"

8. Write a letter to your boss quiting! Don't tell them its an April Fools joke for at least 2 weeks... if they don't throw you a going away party with cake just forget the joke and move on. If there is cake wait to cut the cake before announcing "April Fools" and dancing a jig.

9. GREAT 1-on-1 prank (wait to be alone in a room with somebody) "Fake a heart attack" Steps: 1) Rub left arm for a minute and act like its no big deal 2) Seem to loose focus and stumble and say "whoopsie daisy" 3) then shake head to clear vision and say, "Can you bring me a glass of water?" slowly sit down 4) When they get back be lying on your stomach lifeless. 5) For greatest effect wait until the Ambulance shows up before yelling "April Fools!" 6) Unless you know an EMT who can play along then wait until you are in the morgue.

10. Tell people you're going my your middle name now.

What's your fav? Got any others? Leave a comment below... and facebook people need to learn to leave a comment on the blog not on my facebook status which vexes me because they don't get saved.

47955

Bad Marital "Advice"

OK, since I announced my engagement I have gotten a lot of "advice." And yes, "advice" should be in quotes because I'm using the word ironically. And yes, ironically should be in italics because I'm adding emPHAsis! And yes, PHA should be in all caps because I'm beating a dead horse.

Anywho! I've gotten a lot of bad marital advice. I'm worried that in the slush pile there might be some good advice I'm throwing out with the bad. Here are a collection of things I've been told about marriage by friends, coworkers, elders at my church, my family and others. I've leaving them anonymous because I plan on ripping them to shreds in a bit.

And I warn you, these are actual quotes from actual people who actually said them to me, most in the church building, actually! Most "advice" takes the form of dark prophecies of doom.

"Advice" Given to me by Women!
You're life is going to change sooo much.
You're marrying up.
You're life is no longer your own.
I can't wait to she how she betters you!
Now, don't use that tone with Sara.
Many men don't get a say in the decorations of their house... other than to pay.
Sure, you say that now Trey but you'll understand when your married!
Well, she'll straighten you out quick.

Let me distill the advice from women:
"You're life was pretty sad before. She's great and is doing an act of charity by taking you on as a project."

"Advice" from Men:
You're life is over!
Dead man walkin!
Get ready for the ole ball and chain.
You only got 1 week of freedom left!
Do what ever she says and don't ask questions.
Women good. Men bad.
You're marrying up.
Once your married the fun is over... its a bait-and-switch deal.
If you're going to have fun you'll have to hid it.
How long til the big day... you know weddings and funerals are a lot alike...

Summary of Men's Advice:
"Run! Change your name! I don't like married life."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

All in all I'm more offended by the women. I see that most of the men's comments are just ribbing and hyperbole. But you women really think you've saying something helpful when dozens of you say, "She's going to improve you" basically implying I've been crud before now.

I'm sure people meant well. Many thought they were being funny. But these jokes might reveal people's true feeling about marriage but I sure hope not! Questions arise:

• Did you men choose bad mates or did they change or have you no spine?
• Did you women choose poorly or change dramatically or do you really want men with no spine?
• Are men truly perpetually immature and unable to make even the simplest decisions for themselves or are women truly domineering, controlling and soul-crushing?
• Do you men have no fun?
• Did you women change into enemies of fun?
• Does every woman out there but Sara think I'm a worthless lump?

The Final Responses:

First, I'm sorry if your marriage experience is unfulfilling recently. Men, I like spending time with Sara who is lots of fun. Women, see point number 2.

Secondly, I think my life was pretty good before. She and I were both good at being single. I think I'm worthy of her and she of me. I'll agree that I'm marrying up but I am not a worthless lump!

Thirdly, I know change is coming. But Sara is not out to change me into something I'm not, I trust her completely in this regard! I welcome the changes in my life marriage will bring, and yes... I'm sure I don't fully understand it all yet.

Above all: Thank you for you words of advice (be they poorly worded, hyperbole, meant as a joke, or cliche) and DON'T SQUELCH OUT LOVE!!!!!!

P.s. I've actually gotten some good advice that I didn't include on this list. If you have any more that doesn't sound like that listed above please feel free to comment.

47493

New Church Words

Word of Warning:

Not for those who have yet to grow a sense of humor.

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Post-Sermon Rustle (PSR) - It seems in preaching school they make you develop a signature closing phrase, much like news anchors. This phrase usually ends with "... as together we stand and sing." The opening syllables of this phrase sets off the Post-Sermon Rustle. People start folding Bibles and getting out song books, others gather their kids toys. Sometimes accompanied by the PSM, the Post-Sermon Murmur as people discuss going to lunch.

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This morning in the shower I came up with this term, "Theology of Least Resistance" to describe some church behavior. "Making a decision based on which perceived outcome will garner the fewest complaints." I'm not immune to the concept in Children's Ministry.

Example: Trey decided to changed the LTC scripts and group assignments not because of artistic or Biblical reasons but to receive fewer terse emails from parents.

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I'm also prone to "the-way-we-have-always-done-it-ism" but this is harder to pronounce, maybe it should be TWWHADI... "Twwhadi" pronounced "Twha-dee.

Example: Trey pulled a Twwhadi when he organized an Easter Egg hunt even though it has been poorly attended the past few years because they've always had an Easter egg hunt.

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And now some brief ones:

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Addicts - This is what I call people who congregate around the coffee pot.

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Deacon - Elder in Training, kind of like the Cub Scouts.

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Eschatology - The study of whether or not to install an escalator in the church.

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Sacred - The pew you've sat in for 30 years that some visitor is rudely occupying.

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Next Year - Never. (Example: I'll volunteer next year.)

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Raise hands - 1) To lift up hands. 2) In a hymn: To place hands on lap.

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Dance - 1) To move joyously. 2) In a hymn: To sit.

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Birdseye - A chance for the song leader to show you who's boss.

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Laud - What you say when its really hot in the church. "Laud, its hot in here."

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Ebenezer - 1) Grouchy miser 2) Stone of Help

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Stone of Help - Nobody knows what this means.

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Fetter - A heavy feather, or fatter feather.

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Diadem - Part of instructions on how to make a tie-dye shirt. "Step 1, Rubber Bands. Step 2, Diadem."

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Emergent Church - A church that is... emerging from something... like a hermit crab...

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Postmodern - 1) Younger than 40: A new way of viewing the world and truth. 2) Older than 40: Wrong.

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Unpack - A verb used by preachers when they want to make you feel stupid. "We should all be beautiful, benevolent believers... let me unpack that for you. To be beautiful is to be..."

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Canon - What they shoot you out of if you try and preach from the end of Mark 8.

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Hermeneutic - The study of the book of Herman.

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Sinner - Someone who does the "big sins"

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Heresy - Doing, saying or thinking something that isn't Twwhadi.

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Change - 1) What kids give to contribution. 2) There is no other acceptable definition other than 1.

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Hallelujah - What you say when church is over.

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Ok, end of list. Again, I want to remind you this list is meant to be humorous... perhaps I should follow the "Theology of Least Resistance" and delete this post...

47406

So they called an ambulance for me.

The tale of a power lunch gone wrong.

I took my lunch hour at 1pm today. I had to get a bite to eat and mail a few wedding invites.

I drove thru McDs and munched on my way to the post office. I decided to park in the shade and eat my lunch. I was listening to the radio and drifted calmly off to sleep. (Car was safely in park.)

I probably slept for 20 minutes and would have slept for longer had not sirens woke me up! There was an ambulance and a firetruck blazing towards my location.

I looked around for smoke but didn't see any. Then both vehicles stopped right in front and beside me. I sat up and took a nerve steadying drink of Diet Coke and rolled down the windows. The fireman spoke first.

"Just taking a nap?"

"I guess I am."

"You live around here?"

"Yes, and I work over at the Church."

"Ok."

"Sorry to get you guys out."

"Don't worry about it." He turns to the truck. "HE WAS JUST TAKING A NAP!"

Then the firemen laugh at me.



I don't want to blame this all on wedding tiredness, I think I may also be sick. But, I won't park in front of that old guys house again if I need to take a nap.

47222

Trey's Game Show "$100 Challenge"

1,000 Volunteer competitors each bring a $100 bill with them to the game show. This $100,000 becomes the prize for the sole winner of the game. The rounds will stretch over multiple hour long programs, I'd guess each "$100 Challenge" will take 4 shows to go through all 7 rounds.

You either win it all or you go home with nothing!

Round 1 - 1,000 Competitors - "Wheel of Destiny" -

The 1,000 competitors are divided into two groups. Red and Green. Then a giant wheel of destiny spins with dozens of red and green spaces.

Whichever color comes up gets eliminated in a humorous and embarrassing way. For example: A bunch of manure or slime is dropped on them, they are bungee shot upwards, the floor falls out from underneath them, a fire truck hose sprays them, etc.

Round 2 - 500 Competitors - "Test of Skill"

The 500 Competitors race to be the first 100 to complete a novel and brief test of skill. For example they race in sets of 100 threw a mud pit, they are thrown into a giant ball pit and where there are only 100 red balls, they are each handcuffed to a weight and the first 100 to find the correct key in a room of keys wins, etc.

Round 3 - 100 Competitors - "Test of Intellect"

A cognitive challenge. Trivia is blasted at them quickly! They have 4 minutes to answer 20 multiple choice trivia questions, no changing of answers allowed. Questions will randomly be hard and easy, they have to answer quickly and I assume most won't have time to read them all. The top 50 move on!


Round 4 - 50 Competitors - "Face off!"

Competitors are randomly paired off in 1-on-1 challenges, half are eliminated. These can be any physical or cognitive challenge that can go 1-on-1 for example: tug of war over slime, giant q-tip battle, log roll, nerf bow and arrow battle, high card draw, checkers, etc.

Round 4 - 25 Competitors - "Test of Will"

An endurance challenge, where the number is taken down to 10! Examples: Must keep their arms above their head, must stand on small platforms, hang on a trapeze over various unsavory things, etc.

Round 5 - 10 Competitors - Rando Roundo!

A random challenge to reduce competitors to 2 like: Hot dog eating, moving eggs with spoons, putting out a fire with a hand pumped hose, run thru a maze, etc.

Round 6 - 4 Competitors - 4 Quadrant Cut Throat

Each player is standing on a quadrant of a platform with 9 light up tiles. When all 9 lights go out their platform drops. Competitors earn the opportunity to knock out their opponents tiles via trivia, games of chance and skill.

I foresee weaker contestants trying to knock out stronger ones before the gauntlet.

Round 7 - 2 Competitors - Final Round - The $100 Challenge Gauntlet

The final show down. I think this round will me the same insane challenge each time. A side by side obstacle course!

• They must run up a stair then down a slide into a ball pit. There they must find the right 3 colors to "unlock" a door. (The door with have 3 baskets of different colors that must be matched by tossing in a ball from the ball pit of the appropriate color.)
• Then they must answer a true/false cognitive question. If they get it right they move on. If they don't they have to run a penalty lap in a hamster wheel.
• Then over a balance beam (if they fall they have to return to the beginning of the beam).
• Then under a waterfall.
• Then up a ramp while you are all slippery.
• Then use your key to open one of 10 locked cases. (Another trivia challenge.) When it is open there is a zipline handle inside. Clip on and slide to victory!

Each contestant secretly keys into a computer how much of their theoretical $100,000 they will wager if they win (in increments of $10,000) before the race. Whoever wagers the most gets a 1 second head start for ever $10,000 more they wager. Wager the same and they start simultaneously.

Then to the Wager Wall! 101 Bouncy balls have been prepared with different wager result. 40 are blue "Keep it" balls, 30 are red "$100" balls, 10 are black "loose it" balls, 10 silver "x2" balls, 10 gold "x4" balls and 1 white "x10" ball.

Winner of the gauntlet is placed in front an slope funneling to the a hole in the wager wall! They are given a baseball glove and a broom (and perhaps different random tools each time). Then all 101 balls are released at the top. The contestant (who can't pass a line 5 feet from the hole in the wall) must defend his wager by blocking black and red balls and letting good balls through until one enters the wager wall!

The contestant may leave with $1 million or their original $100 or nothing if they risked it all.

Would you risk $100 for a chance at $100,000 or $1,000,000? Did I mention that the end of each season is a "Million Dollar Challenge" the 20 season winners vie for a $1 Million Dollar Prize and another chance to multiply it to $10 Million!

I want to keep all the "physical" challenges simple so that average Joes and Janes can win.

What you need:
A Host - Me! (BTW if the contestants loose the money it becomes mine, kind of like "Win Ben Steins Money")
A Place to Compete - Some kind of large warehouse/sound stage with access to an Olympic size pool or the ocean.
No Prize Money - The original $100,000 is supplied by the contestants. The wheel of fortune at the end might cause some expenditure but its just as likely they'll end up loosing it all.

47132

My First Wedding Shower

1st - I'm engaged if you hadn't pieced that together yet.

So I went to our first wedding shower and stayed the whole time. I started to get nervous about attending because people kept asking me if I had to stay the shower and when I said I was planning on it they acted surprised! "Really, you're staying?"

What did they have in store for me? Would I be the object of ridicule? Will I be crying with boredom? Would I be blindfolded for any reason? Was there some kind of wheel of destiny I'd have to spin?

Turns out nothing bad really happens, nor was it boring really. I just smiled and thanked people a lot. I think I've discovered why this shower wasn't so bad, two words "come and go"... three words if you count the "and"... and you probably should without its just "come go" which doesn't imply time for cake.

Basically people streamed in and put their gift down. The gift conveyor belt moved them towards Sara who opened them. The people got cake, as did I, and we opened gifts. I spent most of my time talking to Sara's mom and sister. After a person's gift was opened and their cake devoured they often gave us best wishes and left and new people came in to start the cycle over.

The weird thing about all these gifts is there were mostly better versions of junk I already had. Even though I had registered for them, I felt like the gifts were implying I had no silverware, plates or cooking implements whatsoever.

So whenever Sara would open something I'd say:
"Wow, plates! Now we don't have to eat off the table!"
"Wow, cookie sheets, now the dough won't fall through the grate and onto the oven floor."
"Wow, serving utensils, now Sara won't have to bring me food cupped in her hands."
"Wow, a blender, now my shakes won't be so lumpy."
"Wow, spoons, eating soup is going to be much easier!"
and so forth.

Parting words for Men
* If its "come and go" I think its ok for you to go to it... if invited.
* Also, don't try to be helpful by throwing away bows, they keep those.

Joey goes to India

My friend Joey left today for 2 weeks to do missionary efforts in India.

This idea has tickled me from the start and when I say, "Joey goes to India" I am reminded of famous movies like "Ernest goes to Camp."

If he follows in the footsteps of Ernest here's what will transpire in India.

Day 1: Arrive Jet lagged and confused about what day it is.
Day 2: Ask about where the real food it.
Day 3: Have his wallet stolen by street children.
Day 4: Blow off work to watch Indian "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire!" on TV.
Day 5: Secretly eats beef jerky in his room.
Day 6: Tries to shake Shiva's hand.
Day 7: Offends a cow.
Day 8: Gets lost.
Day 9: Still lost.
Day 10: Joey recovered by team in a complicated underground gambling ring. Joey say, "I thought it was dominoes"
Day 11: Joey sleeps.
Day 12: Joey find out that Muslims and Hindu's aren't "6 of one, half a dozen of the other."
Day 13: Joey steals a passport to get home.
Day 14: Joey boards wrong plane to Afghanistan to film the sequel, "Joey's Journey 2: Afghans aren't just blankets anymore."

The Big News!

You've all been very patient so I think it's time I reward you.

It finally happened! I wish you could have all been there except that would have been a little uncomfortable.

Are you ready for the Big NEWS? I don't think you are...

What you are ready? Ok, well it was a crisp December evening... you are not READY!

I can tell when readers aren't ready and you are not ready.

Ok, you're prepped enough. But i find it kind of gauche to just blurt it out. So if you want to see the Big News you will have highlight the hidden text between the x-x-x-x markers.


Ok.... here is the Big News you've all been waiting for:

x-x-x-x

My
car
hit
123456
miles!

Pics
forthcoming!

x-x-x-x
(To see hidden message between the markers click and drag mouse.)

Long Time No Blog

Sorry... been AFK for a while now.

Let me give you a recap of what I've done since my last post.
* Spent one freezing day outside fixing my car with Joey. (I held the flashlight.)
* Played video games
* Ate Thanksgiving with Sara's fam!
* Did it again with my fam!
* Spent an entire day clearing out my "floordrobe"
* Read comics
* Maddox's B-Day at Chuckie Cheese "I'm gunna eatsomepizza!"
* Put off Christmas Shopping
* Took a lot of days off. (Again this year I got to the last 2 weeks of the year with like 9 or 10 vacation days... I really should spread them out more.)
* Elders/Ministers X-Mas Party at CCC (Featuring singing "White Christmas" twice because once it was requested as "White Christmas" and later requested as "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas." We sang it all the way thru both times.)
* Read comic books and played video games
* Last night we went to a Stars game with Jeff and Dale. (Stars won in OT.)
* Today Children's Ministry Christmas Party!

There... now you're all caught up in the minutia of my life. Sorry I'm not more interesting.

Turkey Day

The turkey you imagine you will eat...

...the grotesque white farm raised bird you will actually eat.

Bon Appetite!