Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Twelve Humbugs of Christmas: Parts 11 & 12 (Quickly)

Humbug 11: Comercialism. Nuff Said.

Humbug 12: No delivery on X-Mas.

I'm not talking about packages. First, that is commercialism which falls under #11. And 2nd, because it just shows you procrastinated.

No I'm talking about food. There I sat. Hungry. And no Pizza Place would pick up the phone. Then I remembered the Christmas Story "Fa Ra Ra" scene so I called for Chinese food. Guess what? It looks like they found Jesus because they weren't open.

Well there you have them. My 12 Humbugs of X-Mas. I think they actually helped me have a better Christmas. I got out all my vitriol online and IRL I was pretty cheery.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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Monday, December 17, 2007

Twelve Humbugs of Christmas: Parts 9 & 10

Twelve Humbugs of Christmas: Parts 9 &10
Mom has to work X-Mas Eve
&
Christian Denial



Get back to work Cratchit!

Poor madre toiling away Christmas Eve. This is just Un-American! (Mom works in payroll and end of the year stuff is a lot of extra work.)

I hope her boss is haunted by three ghosts not counting the first ghost of a former co-worker who will show up to warn of the others, "You will be visited by three ghosts... uhm... not counting me." Couldn't you have said 4 ghosts? "No! 3 sounds better, and don't question the three ghosts like this, they won't like it."

Christian Denial - Get your head out of the snow its X-Mas!

Some Christians don't celebrate Christmas because the date of Jesus' birth is not known (and most likely not in December at all). So I guess they walk around in a state of denial, "Did you see that tree with the lights?" NO! They did not.

I think I posted in a previous blog about the date Dec 25th coming from the birth of the pagan God Mithras the Sun God. He was born on the longest night of the year therefore it got sunnier everyday thereafter. Well Roman's Christianized everything so Mithras became Christ but the date was so popular it stuck. It turned out the commoners didn't care who they worshipped at the feast as long as the feast was good.

But this isn't the reason most Christians object, they don't know or care who Mithras was. No, they argue that it is the wrong date. But they don't celebrate it any day of the year. It's best to be safe and not offend out Lord by totally ignoring him.

People can do what they want and I understand its a touchy subject. But I can tell you why I personally celebrate Christmas on the 25th of December. I celebrate then because the rest of the world celebrates then. For on small month a year, the general populace is open to discussion about Jesus. And if that opportunity rises in your office or out in the world and the only thing you can think to say to a non-believer is "Well, you know Jesus wasn't even born on December 25th!" you've missed an opportunity.

Nobody was ever baptised because of when something didn't happen. - So HUMBUG!
And Humbug as well to my mom's cruel employer!

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Friday, December 14, 2007

Twelve Humbugs of Christmas: Parts 5

Twelve Humbugs of Christmas: Parts 5&6&7
The Word "Holiday"
&
The "X"
&
"The Holiday Season"
.
Ok, so today is a quick triple helping of Humbug!
.
"HOLIDAY"
.
First, there probably isn't much need to ramble about my hatred for the word Holiday pushing out the word Christmas. Everyone hates this. Why does it happen? Liberal guilt! Touchy-feelies out there can't just wait for somebody to get offended. They have to get offended for somebody else.
.
You can't say Christmas! What about the Jewish people! - I say, let a Jewish person raise their own objection. Its not like its not Christmas. It's true that it is Christmas so go ahead and say it!
.
I preferred it back in the day when they used to say "Merry Christmas and Happy Nun-chucks" than what they do now with the bending over backward. Many secular people celebrate Christmas too! I say, Christmas gets top billing and once or twice we can mention lighting the man-or-duh. And don't even mention Kwanza or that other one. Kwanza was made up less than 50 years ago and that other one... come on! We're in America not Istanbul.
.
The "X"
.
Of course half that time they mention Christmas its said, "X-Mas." Way to take the Christ right your of everything. Us "X-ians" should get more upset about this. It also looks tacky. I think the only place "X-Mas" makes any sense is if its part of an "X-Men X-Mas Special"! Wolverine could cut the turkey. Cyclops could cook the bird with his vision. Jean Grey could have a nervous breakdown.
.
"The Holiday Season"
.
When I was a kid the "Holiday Season" (HS) was from like X-Mas Eve to New Years Day. Then it started being Thanksgiving to New Years. Now it starts in October. In face one Children's Ministry Magazine article defined this time of year as "Falloween." Because the hysteria starts at Back-2-School time, builds into Halloween, the rampages over Turkey day to end in a train wreck around Christmas and smolder until New Years Day. It is starting as early as possible. Now I'm expecting it to start ending later. A logical new end date would be the Super Bowl. It already is the biggest TV purchasing week of the year!
.
The Word "Holiday" - Humbug!
The "X" - Humbug!!
"The Holiday Season" - Humbug!!!

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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Twelve Humbugs of Christmas: Parts 4

Twelve Humbugs of Christmas: Part 4
Vapid Celebrity Thoughts About Christmas
Every year the media decides we need to hear somebody talk about Christmas. And who do they choose? Do they choose religious scholars, famous authors or poets, regular people with a story to tell? Nope. They ask idiotic celebrities.
.
The Interview
.
"We're here with Megan McDurmat, who is starring in Bikini Death Kill 2 opening in theaters near you on December 21st. Welcome Megan."
"Thanks Talking-Head."
"The next thing on the teleprompter says, 'Do you have any special Christmas Memories?' "
"Oh, Well when I was a little girl my gin-gin... that's what we called my grandmother would..."
And this woman who's only assets are her bikini killing skills proceeds to tell us all the meaning of Christmas and surprise surprise the meaning is to go see her new memory with your family.
.
The Desecration of "It's a Wonderful Life"
.
But worse than this is when they take my all time favorite Christmas movie, "It's a wonderful life" and before and after each commercial break they have celebrities talking about the movie and Christmas. First, this eats up air time and causes there to be more commercial breaks than necessary. Second, these people are idiots.
Celebrities are the last people I'd look to for touching family stories. Lets face it. If they loving families they wouldn't gotten into show biz in the first place.
Also a problem is that they can't get real celebrities to do this. They are too cool and too busy to shoot a little heartwarming piece about Christmas. Nope, its always the D list.
Like Whoopi Goldberg, "I just love this part coming up where Bert and Ernie sing in the rain." (This is annoying on two levels. First, who cares what she thinks. Second, she just told what was about to happen in the movie.)
Or David Hyde Pierce - "I remember back on Frasier we'd have a Christmas party and the dog would be there in his Rudolph outfit... I wonder what those guys are doing now... I'm too cool to talk to them now that I'm doing legitimate theatre again... what? Yes, Spamalot is so legitimate theatre!"
.
Celebrities ruin Christmas!
.
Also in this category is "entertainment news" which insists on telling us what gifts celebrities are giving each other and their families.
"Angelina & Brad gave all their friends this handwoven bag. It is made of natural fibers and sports the phrase, 'Green is the new Black.' Each bag costs $400 and is made is a sweat shop in Malaysia by 6-year-olds being whipped by relentlessly and are forced to eat lead paint. On a lighter note, Angelina has promised to adopt the child that produces the most bags this holiday season as an incentive... if the whipping isn't enough."
.
A Heartwarming Tale that makes me vomit
.
Also this is the one time of the year a celebrity likes to look conscientious. They donate to charity, drop off toys during the today show and stop putting their cigarettes out on peoples necks on the street.
Never mind the rest of the year they spend more on martini's than many families make in a year! But no, we have to act all gracious that one day a year they repel down from their high horse to grace us with their leavings and tax deductible contributions.
.
Celebrities! HUMBUG!

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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Twelve Humbugs of Christmas: Parts 3

Part Three: Double Booked Christmas Parties

This Friday there are two Christmas parties double booked on top of each other. One is the work party and the other is a friend party. 50 Weeks of the year I never get invited to parties. I sit alone and cry and think about buying a cat. Then two weeks of the year the party-gods smile down on me and flood me with invitations. In the next two weeks I have a lot of little get togethers to drop in on. In most cases I can hit two in one night, but the one this Friday this would be impossible one is in Fort Worth.

So to help me decide I'll have a Holiday pro's and con's list for the work party (WP) and friend party (FP).

WP - Pro: I'll be missed if I'm not there.
FP - Con: Nobody will notice if I miss that party but me and the host (and she might be so busy it won't matter.)

WP - Con: Its the people I see every day of the year. "Stale"
FP - Pro: Its new people. "Fresh"

WP - Pro: Its the people I see every day of the year. "Comfortable"
FP - Con: Its new people. "Stressful"

WP - Pro: Gift Exchange
WP - Con: Gift Exchange
FP - Pro: No gift to purchase*
FP - Con: No gift to receive

WP - Pro: Catering.
WP - Con: Extreme over fatness following catering.

WP - Con: Everyone but me is a couple. (Which they use to strong arm the gift exchange.)
FP - Pro: Single women presence. (I'm trying hard not to let this stress me out and become a con.)

WP - Pro: At Church 30 Seconds away
FP - Con: In Fort Worth 30 Minutes away.

WP - Pro: I already RSVP'd.
FP - Con: I told her I couldn't come. (Why let that stop me?)

WP - Con: People always dress up and I always wear shorts and a t-shirt... odd.
FP - Pro: No dress code. Wait... now that I think about it...
FP - Con: Presence of single women mandates clean, wrinkle free attire.

WP & FP - Con: Either one I skip I will be forced to hear all the fun things I missed and have to question my party decision.

Well I thought about putting it to a vote but nobody from work reads this blog very often so it would be pretty one sided. I guess I'd like to go to both. Maybe I can dress my crash test dummy and send him to the other party.

*Wait... maybe the friend party is a Birthday party... so I might need to get a gift anyway.


WP Pro's = 5
WP Con's = 6
FP Pro's = 4
FP Con's= 7

Total Score:
WP = (-1)
FP = (-3)

Well according to these numbers I should just stay home... HUMBUG!

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Monday, December 10, 2007

Twelve Humbugs of Christmas: Parts 1 & 2

First and foremost I LOVE Christmas! It is awesome. But I find myself in a Scroogey feeling this year. So I plan on giving you my 12 Humbugs of Christmas.

(The first two blend into each other so I've made them into on post.)

Part 1: Home Decorations
&
Part 2: Other People's Decorations
I don't recommend either.

I don't decorate for Christmas. I was asked if it was because I had some strange Christian objection to Christmas, this is not the case. I love Christmas. But I never liked decorating. It felt more like mom cracking a whip while we toiled to hang ornaments and lights while she laughed and rubbed her hands together maniacally.

So now, my house, no lights, no tree. I actually kind of like looking at lights and decorations. But I feel I get enough of that out in the world. Everywhere is brightly decorated. Even out church has a great big tree in the family center. I feel I absorb a lot accidentally, I don't need to induce more at home.

I have to also admit that I really don't like driving around to look at lights. I've done it every year it seems like with one group of friends or another who twist my arm into it. In short, I enjoy the time with my friends but what are we doing... wasting gas watching others waste electricity.

If these drives have no children on board it is just sad, a bunch of grown ups trolling the neighborhood: "Look another light bulb! That Edison was a genius!" I mean were you brought up on Little House in the Prairie, "Look Paw! Twinkling Lights, can we go stare at them, we've been ever so good this year!"

Of course stores decorate to induce you to shop more. Its kind of like putting chum in the water to attract sharks and start a feeding frenzy. If I see garland and little bells I just needs to buy me a Pepperage Farms Basket.

Part 1: Home Decorations - You'll just have to take it down in 4 months, Humbug!
Part 2: Other People's Decorations - Capitalist Swine controlling our brains with lights, Humbug.

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