Tuesday, March 03, 2009

New Church Words

Word of Warning:
Not for those who have yet to grow a sense of humor.
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Post-Sermon Rustle (PSR) - It seems in preaching school they make you develop a signature closing phrase, much like news anchors. This phrase usually ends with "... as together we stand and sing." The opening syllables of this phrase sets off the Post-Sermon Rustle. People start folding Bibles and getting out song books, others gather their kids toys. Sometimes accompanied by the PSM, the Post-Sermon Murmur as people discuss going to lunch.

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This morning in the shower I came up with this term, "Theology of Least Resistance" to describe some church behavior. "Making a decision based on which perceived outcome will garner the fewest complaints." I'm not immune to the concept in Children's Ministry.

Example: Trey decided to changed the LTC scripts and group assignments not because of artistic or Biblical reasons but to receive fewer terse emails from parents.

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I'm also prone to "the-way-we-have-always-done-it-ism" but this is harder to pronounce, maybe it should be TWWHADI... "Twwhadi" pronounced "Twha-dee.

Example: Trey pulled a Twwhadi when he organized an Easter Egg hunt even though it has been poorly attended the past few years because they've always had an Easter egg hunt.

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And now some brief ones:
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Addicts - This is what I call people who congregate around the coffee pot.

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Deacon - Elder in Training, kind of like the Cub Scouts.

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Eschatology - The study of whether or not to install an escalator in the church.

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Sacred - The pew you've sat in for 30 years that some visitor is rudely occupying.

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Next Year - Never. (Example: I'll volunteer next year.)

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Raise hands - 1) To lift up hands. 2) In a hymn: To place hands on lap.

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Dance - 1) To move joyously. 2) In a hymn: To sit.

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Birdseye - A chance for the song leader to show you who's boss.

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Laud - What you say when its really hot in the church. "Laud, its hot in here."

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Ebenezer - 1) Grouchy miser 2) Stone of Help

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Stone of Help - Nobody knows what this means.

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Fetter - A heavy feather, or fatter feather.

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Diadem - Part of instructions on how to make a tie-dye shirt. "Step 1, Rubber Bands. Step 2, Diadem."

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Emergent Church - A church that is... emerging from something... like a hermit crab...

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Postmodern - 1) Younger than 40: A new way of viewing the world and truth. 2) Older than 40: Wrong.

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Unpack - A verb used by preachers when they want to make you feel stupid. "We should all be beautiful, benevolent believers... let me unpack that for you. To be beautiful is to be..."

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Canon - What they shoot you out of if you try and preach from the end of Mark 8.

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Hermeneutic - The study of the book of Herman.

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Sinner - Someone who does the "big sins"

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Heresy - Doing, saying or thinking something that isn't Twwhadi.

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Change - 1) What kids give to contribution. 2) There is no other acceptable definition other than 1.

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Hallelujah - What you say when church is over.

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Ok, end of list. Again, I want to remind you this list is meant to be humorous... perhaps I should follow the "Theology of Least Resistance" and delete this post...

47406

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7 Comments:

At 12:39 PM, Blogger Lynn Leaming said...

Can always count on you for creativity and a laugh! Glad wedding planning hasn't zapped it out of you :0

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger Jennifer Schroeder said...

Very funny, and pretty true (especially your definition of sinner, that one made me laugh the hardest).

 
At 8:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cheerio section: Where those families of young children sit. Defined as such since you can find bits of cereal (not only cheerios, but any flavor can be inserted here), gummy treats, and dried fruit bits in any crevasse. Often the bits left behind are enjoyed by others the following week.

Jen

 
At 9:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trey, you are going to burn in hell for this blasphemous diatribe. Your are an agent lobbying FOR change with your silly little sniglets. Change is clearly a sin and cannot be tolerated in "THE church". Everyone knows that. If it's different(this means YOU) it are B A D and thus must be a S I N as in the big ones. You know, the ones that really count,not the little tiny ones like unrepentant anger, mean spirited criticism, picking on lesser church folk for fun and profit in order to control their puny little minds so that nothing ever changes. Just the way I like it THWWADI. OHHH SNAP!

 
At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would also say that the ability to anonymously rip your blogalicious blog is THWADDI in "the church". Matthew 18:15...who needs it?

 
At 10:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WIGET - Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth - 1) an elders meeting 2)elders' wives waiting for 10 hour meeting to end - 3) 'we had to walk up front for communion' - 4)a musical device besides the vocal cords? -5)mixed batheing (sp?) - 6)fellowshipping except in the sacred auditorium - 7) Sorry this sounds like a rant if you'd like to call me. Actually, I like the true church. 8) 'Gee, I'm surprised to see my next door neighbor who never went to church up here in heaven'
signed, former elder's wife who loves God

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger SubBlogger said...

WIGIT #9 'the preacher's sermon was 18.2 minutes long and the Baptists beat us to the cafeteria'

 

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