Behold Lambert the Sheepish Lion in all his GLORY!

I haven't posted for a few days for two reasons:

Firstly, Memorial day... mmm... bbq.

Secondly, this:


This is Lambert.


He's over 12 feet tall.


This is him from the street.


Lambert is over 15 feet wide.

I had an amazing amount of help painting and building him. He is attached to our building to advertise for VBS.

Here is the list of people who helped build this and other VBS props:
Jeanette Clothier
Wayne Roberts
Will Moses
Mike Ritchie
Jennifer Reinsch
Mary Johnson
Lisa Kelly
Kevin Kelly
Jeff McClure
Matthew Johnson
Tama Barnes
Rachel the Intern
Sergio Loredo
Marshall Aldriedge
and Kelly the other Intern
and I probably forgot someone else... thank you too.

I was amazed at the turn out. It rained all day but we worked like bees inside. To get it up before church 7 men arrived at church at 6am! It was up before 1st service, hurray!

I've been getting a lot of good feedback but you should find someone on that list and thank them!

Thank you guys so much, if you guys hadn't turned out we'd have never gotten the job done in such a fantastic fashion! I'd particularly like to add extra thanks to Wayne, Jeanette, Will, Mike and Jennifer for putting in extra hours and giving up even more of their weekend to inhale paint fumes and build the lion frame.

Vicious Diatribe: Hold your comments until the end.

The problem with email and blogs is that you can't interrupt until the very end. And there is no guarantee that your comments will ever be heard. Face to face or, even better, over the phone you can jump right in and say, "Hold on there a minute Chet!"

But with blogs you have to keep a list of general grievances until the very end then you try and make corrections. The problem with this is when an early mistake sullies the entire rest of the post.

Here is an example of having to wait to long until the end to comment.

In regards to your last email/blog, I have the following corrections:

Item 1 - In your first paragraph you called me Tray, but my name is spelled with an E. (It is also spelled with a T,R, and Y but you had those right the first time.)

Item 2 - You also said in paragraph one, line 4, that I used to "go steady" with Martha. Correction, although Martha and I dated we never had the DTR chat and therefore it is inaccurate to say we "went steady."

Item 3 - You quoted "E.E. Cummings" but everyone knows he spells his name "e.e. cummings."

Item 4 - "The capital of Myanmar is Yangon, also Myanmar is now commonly known as Burma."

Item 5 - "I never said, 'Let them eat flapjacks.' I said, 'Let them eat pancakes.' An obvious play on Marie Antoinette's "Let them eat cake." Read a book sometime.

...

Item 56 - In paragraph 8, line 14, you said "I assumed it would be ok the day before." What you meant was "presumed" since this action happened beforehand.

But in response to the rest of your email/blog, Yes, I'd love to get some pizza.

Wouldn't that have been easier if I could have jumped in earlier.

This of course does not apply to my email/blogs because I don't make mistake.
(Actually I make a few mistakes, but they are only in the areas of: spelling, grammar, punctuation, good taste, hair cut, fashion and elective surgery.)

Follow up to Men and Women

Joey Wrape, junior high youth minister, forwarded this to me in response to my last post.

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation r equires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of houghtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. Better yet, someone else does most of it for you. No wonder men are happier.

I repeat that was from Joey... send hate mail to jwrape@saturnroad.rog

You too can know it all: Men and Women

[This post will probably have to last you until sunday so pace yourself.]

Here is everything you need to know about men and women. (It’s one sentence long so go ahead and memorize it.)

"Women are crazy; men are stupid."

Now before you overreact read it through again. It makes sense, even if you are a man and therefore stupid.

Women: In your defense, it is about half of what men do that makes you so crazy. If we weren’t so stupid you wouldn’t be so crazy. Now I’m not saying this to get in good with women, although that couldn’t hurt. If you could accept how stupid we were you wouldn’t be in such a bad way. Quit trying to think we think. It doesn’t happen. Or if it does happen by accident we won’t be able to relay it to you when asked about our thoughts. The rest of your craziness is due to competition with other lunatic women. I mean the make up, shoes, fashion magazines, gossip, social clubs, church committees and gigantic fuzzy purses... you do all that to yourselves. I’m not expecting women to agree with this, how could they? They’re crazy, and can’t make sound judgments. Fact: Women are crazy. Opinion: I believe women are crazy because they like freedom from accountability.

Now, men: we all don’t recognize how dumb we are. In fact many of those among us who think we’re smart just end up making stupid things like atom bombs, giant breakfast sandwiches, the “Wave”, and reality TV shows (all of which I like). We don’t know as much as we think we do, about the only thing we know for sure is that women are completely nuts. If you don’t think men are stupid watch the news and see how much of that stuff can be blamed on us. (But a good part of that is done to impress a pathological females.) I’m not expecting men to agree with this, in fact I’m not even expecting them to understand it. Fact: Men are stupid. Opinion: I think men are stupid because most of our brainpower is spent trying to understand crazy women.

The best part about knowing what you now know is that it can’t possibly improve your life. This will not save a marriage or a relationship. It will llkely start more fights than it will end. (It also won’t make you less stupid or crazy, or less of both in the case of a hermaphrodite.)

But seriously, I think God made men and women differently. In Genesis, God created Adam “a helper suitable for him.” Men were not complete before women were created. I’m not exactly sure what Eve did way back then but modern women are still more thoughtful than men. They remember thank you notes, coasters and birthdays. Now men were created for a different purpose, Adam had to work harder at the field and sweat and get dirty and stuff. Modern man has to hold that gigantic fuzzy purse while women try on painful shoes.

Let’s Keep in Touch

This platitude is usually added to the end of a yearbook. Other favorites are “Stay cool” and “Have a neat summer” and “You rocked my world, I’ll never forget that night on the Burleson Dam.” But most often you hear people say “Let’s keep in touch” whenever two people part company.

When they say, “Let’s keep in touch” what they usually mean is “You keep in touch with me.” I am officially no good at “keeping in touch.” If I don’t see you every week chances are I’ve forgotten you. It takes substantial effort to think of a friend I haven’t seen in over a month.

It’s not that I don’t like them; it’s just that I can’t do it. When I started school at ACU I told my friends in the Psych dep that I couldn’t keep friends for longer than 2 years. They all loved me so of course said, “No, we’ll stay in touch. Blah yada yackity blah.” I have not spoken to most of them since I left, the exception being Ty.

I still consider those people my friends; I can maintain a kind of hibernating friendship with minimal contact. And if our fates cross again we can resume where we left off. Case in point: Emily Tate. When I left for college we fell out of contact save for summers and sometimes Christmas. Then when we both landed at ACU we picked up where we left off. No fuss, no muss. But that is Emily, low maintenance, and a class act all the way.

Some friends I haven’t kept in contact with give me grief over it. They call and guilt trip me about not staying in touch. But I tell them, this is not one of my strengths, I’d like to stay in touch but you will have to do all the work.

Here is a list of people in chronological order that I’d like to talk to more often but never remember to. I still love you all but I’m not good at maintaining long distance contact: Preston Butler, LaBoon, Jonny Bartee, Brianne Westmoreland, Brian “Creamy” Tendall, Ryan Crisler, Kim Holder, James Bocks, Gene Bates, Drew Dasher, John Burgess, Most of the HU Theatre Department (like Bethany), Roseanne Hitlet, Matt Ellis, Allison Gervais, Most of the ACU Psych Department (like Bre and Sweatervest), and others.

If you are not on that list, I think we still have some level of contact. You should feel blessed, as I do, that we’ve not lost touch. Or if you’re not on the list I’ve completely forgotten you. Either way the ball is in your court, “Let’s keep in touch” (And by “Let’s keep in touch,” I mean, “You keep in touch with me.”)

What worries me is what my out of contact list will look like when I’m 40 or 60.

DACLT,MH: Things on TV Last night.

In this installment of "Dog's and Cat's Living Together, Mass Hysteria!"

I saw three strange things on TV last night about relationships between men and women (dogs and cats)

First, the first was on the news and it was a series of questions or signs that your husband is cheating on you. Pardon me, is this news? I think not. News is about the weather, sports and who got shot today. My real problem with this is that it make it impossible to not be a cheaters. One warning sign was if your husband says, "I'd never cheat on you." Well, I admit that is a mixed signal... not! (That's right I'm bringing 'not' back.) Would you rather hear "I might one day consider cheating on you dear"?

But even worse are items 3 and items 8 which contradict each other. #3 - You husband says "What about my feelings?" (Clearly a standard American Woman phrase that we have no business using.) #8 - Your husband does not talk about his feelings. So, this is a case of "You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't." If we talk about our feelings we are cheating, if we don't we are cheating. I think the first is more of a bad sign, #8 is standard practice for all men.

Ok the second thing on TV last night is the annoying Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise thing. Clips from Oprah show him standing on chairs and doing that sad arm pulling down, "YESSS!" thing. It's clear Tom loves publicity, and why wouldn't he like an actress half his age. He mentions liking "her body of work" and then goes on to say "I like Dawson Creek". THERE! Caught you it's Dawson's Creek. There is no sign that Katie returns his affection with such blind passion. She's probably just happy to be away from that durfbag Dawson.

Thirdly, ET's ongoing glorification of the Laturno marriage. Everyone seems to happy but forgets this started with a 12-year-old boy and his 34-year-old teacher!

All this makes me think, "Is this what the world really thinks about love and relationships? Either some man is cheating or two actors have it all figured out or we can condone 'true love' even between a teacher and student 22 years apart in age."


As a foot note, it is interesting that Mary and Joseph were probably 20 years apart in age.

Preaching to the Choir: The Weaker Brother Rant

At our recent elders/ministers retreat we were confronted with the 1st Century Church's assembly. Our speaker, Preacher Mike Root (father-in-law of beloved Pat Bills), shook my cage during the retreat. In the past, I’ve pressured people to sing more of the songs I prefer. I’m the accelerator, and Wayne is the brakes. The problem with this is that I am only taking into accounts my needs, my preferences. So what now... I’ve heard the “weaker brother” gambit often. (Gambit means ploy or strategy.)

1 Corinthians 8:13 – “Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall.”

Sometimes this is a sword wielded by a long-time member of the church to get what they want done during the one hour of church on Sunday morning. They say, “This whatever causes me to fall, therefore do it my way.” This puts them as the “weaker brother.” Because, you see, the stronger brother is the one who has to back down. Does this seem backwards to anyone else?

What is the cause of this? It’s simple. This verse is not about getting what I want, but seeing what I can give for someone else. There is nothing wrong with that meat, but if it really shakes a new Christian, I'll skip the barbecue. We all want to have my way, my needs met, my spiritual checklist completed. I’m reminded of the Beatles song “I, Me, Mine.”

All I can hear
I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.
Even those tears
I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.
No-one's frightened of playing it
Ev'ryone's saying it,
Coming on strong all the time,
All thru' your life I me mine.

Once again, the Beatles save the day. We are focused only on ourselves. Quit thinking of yourself as the weaker brother and look out for those who truly need your help and all these little things truly become insignificant. Mike Root said, “Every time I sing a song that is not my favorite it is a chance for me to give it to someone else!” Wow, I was convicted! Tell Wayne that he doesn’t have to be the brakes anymore! I’m willing to give. And honestly, you won’t fulfill yourself spiritually only serving yourself. That comes thru giving to others. (You'd know that already if you read the back page of the bulletin yesterday.)

I still hope we sing an occasional new song on… GASP… Sunday Morning! But if not, I’ll get a chance to give to someone else. And when we give to others we are giving to the Lord. “Lord, when did I feed you and visit you in prison and sing that song I really don’t like but know others do?”

But hey, I’m preaching to the choir here, right?

After-thought: Following each article I like to think... will this get me fired? If a blog on giving up personal preferences to serve others gets me fired, then as the Beatles said, “Let it be.”

Next time on Preaching to the Choir: Debunking the One Hour on Sunday Myth.

The Job: Volunteers

Being a Children's Minister is a lot of fun: VBS, Camps, Roller Skating Parties, Slip and Slides & Water balloons. These are the visible fun aspects of children's ministry this summer. But there is a hidden part, the part there is little or no training for is volunteer recruiting. When we did the math we saw we needed about 250 volunteers a week to staff Sunday AM, Sunday Pm and Wednesday PM classes! Yikes! That means that at any given week we'll get lots last minute cancellations, sick families, and open spots that need to be filled. We find replacements and keep things moving, but nobody ever sees a complete breakdown in the system so everyone assumes things are going fine. We've learned to cover our bases.

I thank God every week that we have soooooo many dedicated volunteers, but I also spend time praying every week for God to send more! So if you are thinking about being a children's minister forget training for the fun stuff, which comes easy. Instead work on the following things: recruiting, arm-twisting, prayer, guilt-tripping, more prayer and bribery.

Trey tries to talk about sports... and fails

Last night former Mav Steve Nash led the Suns with 39 points to a victory over the Mavs 130-126. I can't help thinking that if we still had Nash we would have won 91-165! That would have been nice.

When I told this to a room full of mechanics today they did not think it was funny. If someone sees my dad let him know they changed my oil, if you see my mom tell them they vacuumed out my car. I like that this service is available because I've never changed my own oil. Why would you? It's all oily. I have occasionally vacuumed my car but I only do so every 6000 miles or so. (Before I went to the full service garage I made sure to throw away about $50 worth of Wendy's 99cent nugget boxes.)

The Full-Service is a great deal. The only down side is that you invariably have to talk sports with the other guys getting their oil changed. I think they all want to talk sports to prove that they are real men even though they pay other men to change their oil. My definition of manhood does not reside in my car-mainence gene. It resides in my denim jeans.

Follow up to the Blue Bonnets Rant

Additional Material: My mother has seen this blog and called my bluff emailing me this picture. I am clearly as much to blame as the next extremely cute kid. (Yes that is me.)



This is the infamous "Magic in the Blue Bonnets Photo" that all of my relatives still display in their living rooms. I may never live it down. The other photo that has haunted my life is one where I am kissing Maggie Weaver by a pool when I am like 2 years old.

Vicious Diatribe: B*tt-Prints in the Blue Bonnets

Everybody has seen it, and if you've ever been 4-years-old in Texas, you've done it. You've sat your rear end down in a hillside of blue bonnets and taken a cute little picture. And of course this makes me feel an emotion I call "melannoyance" (melancholy annoyance). Its cute and all, but does everybody have to squish our Texas state flower with their backside?

What pushes me from melannoyance into aggrinoyance is when I see someone carving a fresh trail in them with a tripod when someone else has already carved and flattened out a different spot with their hind quarters. But NO! You gotta have a fresh spot, our precious miss muffet must have a virgin tuffet of blue bonnets to violently squash with her diaper covered fanny.

But hey everyone's done it. And the pictures are cute... But if you show me your family photos and they include your kids buns in these valuable (and state protected) flowers there is a good chance I'll walk outside and sit my prodigious keyster in your tulips and see how you like it.

(End note, other words for fanny include: bum, buttocks, badonkadonk, booty, tail, tush and the lesser known tushie)

Star Wars Spirituality

Like millions of geeks nation wide I went to a midnight screening of Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. (And like millions of geeks I was late to work due to the "Star Wars Flu")

I enjoyed the movie, not too much talking this time and plenty of action, including just about everybody getting their arm chopped off.

But as a children's minister I had to sit back and wonder about the transformation from that giving, sensitive little 'Ani' Skywalker from Episode I into the arm-chopping, throat-crushing Darth Vadar. The interesting thing about his transformation is that it came from a desire to save the lives of his mother and wife. (And the Emperor used the language of "Peace" to destroy the Jedi, sometimes the worst things are done with the best language.) Yoda told Anakin that death is a part of life and all kind of fun Buddhist ideas like "Learn to give up what you are afraid to loose." But it's too late the seed of the Dark Side had been planted.

But back to the main idea... how do good children become throat crushers. There is no one manipulating Emperor in our world, we are up against a bigger foe: Society. If it was one guy, I could just go chop his arm off and it would be over. But there it is hard to target an entire culture. Our Cultural Emperor is always whispering in our children's ears, "What do you want? How can you get it?" "There is no good or evil only different points of view." What's a parent of a young Jedi to do?

Well, first off all don't seclude your kids from yourself and from all emotion. The whole Jedi Knight thing is a crock anyway. Fear and anger can not be completely suppressed, perhaps if Anakin had learned to deal with his feelings they wouldn't have run wild. What the Jedi teach about no emotion is like saying, "Don't get a cavity! Don't get a cavity!" They don't tell you how to brush and they don't say, "When you slip up and get a cavity, go to the dentist for heavens sake!"

Sometimes our Church does the same thing. "Don't sin! Don't sin! Sinning is bad so don't do it!" We don't provide real prevention training and our church culture makes you want to keep your hidden sins bottled up and not seek help. That's the lesson Anakin missed, "When you screw up, face up to it and get help or it will only get worse." (In fact in the movie he tries to do this but Obi Won doesn't take it as seriously as he should ending up in him having to tell Vadar, "I failed you." So if you teach your kids to repent you better be there to forgive and educate.) Please go to the dentist, confess your sins, get help and see Star Wars.

Ps. Chewy makes an appearance. (Don't worry Wookies live much longer than humans so he'll still be spry by the time he meets up with Han.)

XOXO, Trey Laminack, 8th lvl Jedi Dork.

This is an example

This is to prove how easy it is to blog to my preacher John Scott.

Bonus Mini Post: Blog Pet Peeves

I've not been blogging long but I've already got some pet peeves.

Listing your location as some strange place like Pakmanistan or Outer US Territories or anything else if it appears on a pull down menu. This is not an opportunity for creativity because you have to choose from a closed list.

I also hate long posts. Let's face most of us aren't creative past 200 words. (This rule does not appy to me, I am not one of "us.")

The ultra-mundane blog. This is kind of a redundant redundancy but lets not talk about the most boring things ever. We all have waited in a line behind an old lady and I've already read that Footsteps-on-the-Beach-Jesus-thing a hundred times.

Chembers of the Murch: Blog Song List

It's Wednes, the Third Holiest of all days which means its time for... Chembers of the Murch. A salute to the Church of Christ.

If you have a maroon copy of this book, feel free to check these songs out.

Songs of Faith and Blog (In no particular order)
1. I was sinking deep in blog (453, also the name of my mother’s blog)
2. Leaning on the everlasting blog (589)
3. Nobody fills my blog like Jesus (602, this is more for Ryan than for me)
4. Let the people blog amen (748)
5. It is well with my blog (490 or 728b if you wanna be old school)
6. There’s something about that blog (222)
7. There is a blogitation (860)
8. ‘Tis midnight and on Olive’s blog (334, makes you wonder what Olive is blogging about so late.)
9. How shall the young secure their blogs? (432)
10. Blog of Ages (454)

I’m sure you are chomping to add your own, but for full credit you must have the song number.

"If I was: an astronaut"

If you are like me you are 6’ tall and named Trey.

Also, if you are like me you wanted to be an astronaut as a kid. I thought about it a lot. You probably did too. Being weightless, the effects of zero-g on projectile vomiting, and how do you sleep in space?

Well, like most kids you probably never did anything about it. You just dreamed and sat on the couch. But not me! When I turned 18 I drove down to Houston and walking into the NASA building.

The receptionist said, “Welcome to NASA, how may I help you?”
I said, “I’d like to be an astronaut.”
She smiled and said, “Lots of people want to be astronauts. Why should we choose you?”
So… I stood on my head and drank a glass of tang.

Sadly, this did not impress her and I never became an astronaut.
But if I was here is what I’d do. First, I’d spend an hour or so floating and spinning. Then after spinning I’d probably throw up. Then I’d say the Space Monkey blew chunks and make him clean it up.

Then I’d probably be tired and try to take a space nap. I’m always hungry when I wake up so I’ll eat all the Space Monkey’s banana’s because, lets be honest, what’s he going to do about it?
Then right before we land I’ll call in and say, “Houston… we have a problem!” and hit a few panic buttons. Because I think those stressed out NASA guys would appreciate a good laugh.


ps. I'm 6' tall at 7am and 5'11'' at 10pm, but I think in a zero-G environment this wouldn't happen.

My First Blog

I've caved, I'm weak, the peer pressure was too much, therefore... I blog. I think therefore blog. Vini. Vidi. Blogi. = I came. I saw. I blogged.

_

The word blog is fun isn't it. It reminds me of Smurf. (Not "The S.m.u.r.f.s" from Saturn Road.) In the old cartoon they'd just say smurf all the time. It could be a noun, an adjective, a prepositional gerand... they didn't care... they just said 'Smurf'. Here is a common conversation:

Grumpy: Enjoying your Smurf-stew.
Smarty: Sure! It's smurftastic.
(Enter Smurfette)
Smurfette: Hello boys, hope you're having a Smurflicious day.
(Exit Smurfette)
Grumpy: She sure is Smurfy.
Smarty: You can smurf that again.
(Enter Granpa)
Granpa: Get back to work you two Smurfing Smurfs.
Grumpy: You're not the smurf of me! I'm my own smurf.
Smarty: Ah-SMURF!
Granpa: Gesundheit and Smurf bless you.

And now we have the word Blog. (It and muggle were recendly added to the OED.)

Well hope you found that bloggy, not blogastrophic,

Trey

Ps. Here is a link to my webpage www.starkidzonline.org (TYPO FIXED)