Bad Marital "Advice"

OK, since I announced my engagement I have gotten a lot of "advice." And yes, "advice" should be in quotes because I'm using the word ironically. And yes, ironically should be in italics because I'm adding emPHAsis! And yes, PHA should be in all caps because I'm beating a dead horse.

Anywho! I've gotten a lot of bad marital advice. I'm worried that in the slush pile there might be some good advice I'm throwing out with the bad. Here are a collection of things I've been told about marriage by friends, coworkers, elders at my church, my family and others. I've leaving them anonymous because I plan on ripping them to shreds in a bit.

And I warn you, these are actual quotes from actual people who actually said them to me, most in the church building, actually! Most "advice" takes the form of dark prophecies of doom.

"Advice" Given to me by Women!
You're life is going to change sooo much.
You're marrying up.
You're life is no longer your own.
I can't wait to she how she betters you!
Now, don't use that tone with Sara.
Many men don't get a say in the decorations of their house... other than to pay.
Sure, you say that now Trey but you'll understand when your married!
Well, she'll straighten you out quick.

Let me distill the advice from women:
"You're life was pretty sad before. She's great and is doing an act of charity by taking you on as a project."

"Advice" from Men:
You're life is over!
Dead man walkin!
Get ready for the ole ball and chain.
You only got 1 week of freedom left!
Do what ever she says and don't ask questions.
Women good. Men bad.
You're marrying up.
Once your married the fun is over... its a bait-and-switch deal.
If you're going to have fun you'll have to hid it.
How long til the big day... you know weddings and funerals are a lot alike...

Summary of Men's Advice:
"Run! Change your name! I don't like married life."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

All in all I'm more offended by the women. I see that most of the men's comments are just ribbing and hyperbole. But you women really think you've saying something helpful when dozens of you say, "She's going to improve you" basically implying I've been crud before now.

I'm sure people meant well. Many thought they were being funny. But these jokes might reveal people's true feeling about marriage but I sure hope not! Questions arise:

• Did you men choose bad mates or did they change or have you no spine?
• Did you women choose poorly or change dramatically or do you really want men with no spine?
• Are men truly perpetually immature and unable to make even the simplest decisions for themselves or are women truly domineering, controlling and soul-crushing?
• Do you men have no fun?
• Did you women change into enemies of fun?
• Does every woman out there but Sara think I'm a worthless lump?

The Final Responses:

First, I'm sorry if your marriage experience is unfulfilling recently. Men, I like spending time with Sara who is lots of fun. Women, see point number 2.

Secondly, I think my life was pretty good before. She and I were both good at being single. I think I'm worthy of her and she of me. I'll agree that I'm marrying up but I am not a worthless lump!

Thirdly, I know change is coming. But Sara is not out to change me into something I'm not, I trust her completely in this regard! I welcome the changes in my life marriage will bring, and yes... I'm sure I don't fully understand it all yet.

Above all: Thank you for you words of advice (be they poorly worded, hyperbole, meant as a joke, or cliche) and DON'T SQUELCH OUT LOVE!!!!!!

P.s. I've actually gotten some good advice that I didn't include on this list. If you have any more that doesn't sound like that listed above please feel free to comment.

47493

How sleepy are you? And the cure!

There are levels of sleepiness and different skills used to stay alert.

Level (example if any) - Skill used to stay awake.

1. Yawny (Pervasive yawn, perhaps spawned from watching someone else yawn which may not indicate you are sleepy at all) - Cure: Put fist in front of yawn to keep soul from escaping.

2. Blah (That minute level of tiredness that doesn't qualify as a symptom, just a little blah) - Cure: Gently shake head


3. Listless (Loss of your ability to list, as you can see I am not currently affected.) - Cure: Stand up. Walk around office

4. Drowsy (You find your eyes have been closed for 5 seconds) - Cure: Stand up walk to coffee maker

5. Sluggish (you move slowly and leave trails of slime) - Eat something salty (salt kills slugs)

6. Tuckered out (Kids only; after a long day at the fair) - Cure: Red Dye #5

7. Torpid (Lazy feeling like you blood is heavy) - Cure: Splash Cool Water in your Face

8. Drained (Lack of energy, hollow feeling) - Cure: Red Bull

9. Lethargic (Movements seem to happen slowly, you tell your legs to move and they are disobedient the first time) - Cure: Force yourself to dance a jig or cotton eye joe for 30 seconds.

10. Tired (That feeling your get 45 minutes before work is over, its too long away to get a "works-done-rush") - Cure: Wait 45 minutes

11. Droopy (Eyes 1/4 closed, could fall asleep if you lean back) - Cure: Slap self in face.

12. Leaden (arms and legs feel twice their normal weight, too tired to slap yourself in the face) - Cure: Slap someone else in the face. What a rush!

13. Sleepy (Sleepy when you can't be sleeping. The definitive feeling of sleepiness.) Cure: Walk around a little bit then get a cup of hot coffee, this time with cream and sugar. Go to restroom and put stopper on sink. Splash face with hot coffee. It will be burning and sticky. Wash face with cool water. Drink what is in stoppered sink. Fight need to vomit. By now you are wide awake!

14. Dozy (You take little naps accidentally making sermons difficult to comprehend.) - Cure: Look up all the verses in your bible about naughty stuff. Giggle uncontrollably.

15. Heavy-eyed (Eyes 2/3s closed, makes driving tricky) - Cure: While driving run onto that noisy thing on the side of the highway. Briefly freak out! Open window to freezing air and sing along to all Rush mix tape.

16. Somnolent (Body feels like it has become one with your la-z-boi recliner after a large turkey lunch, while the heat is on and the TV volume is kind of low and the football game doesn't start for an hour.) - Cure: Don't fight it. Sleep until the football game.

17. Soporific (Complete lack of energy, will power, and get-up-and-go) - Cure: Attack jumper cables to car battery then one to your left pinkie tow and right ear.

18. Narcoleptic (disease known for random attacks of sleep at odd times) - Cure: Partially manageable by medication. Caution: Do not eat soup with this disease unless you tie you head to the chair so you won't drown.

19. Comatose (Brain shows signs of life but no consciousness for a decade) - Cure: A loved one holds you hand and cries saying, "If you can hear me squeeze my hand." You don't squeeze but try to. Later that week you wake up when your loved one has been pulled away from you beside for the first time in a decade. You assume she's moved on when you see her silhouette hugging your brother in the window. In reality, she is crying on his shoulder about how she'll always love you. You don't find this out until after you've started a new life in a small town working in a roadside diner. They deserve to be happy and you'll just be in the way. She spends months looking for you when you turn up missing from the hospital. A year later, during a thunderstorm, you help a car struck by lightning. Pulling out a young boy and a woman who turns out to be your wife. The kid is your son that you didn't even know you had.

20. Dead (You will never be awake again) - Cure: Expensive Voodoo ceremony or be son of Deity.

Trey Solves the World's Problems: Illegal Immigration

Today on "Trey Solves the Worlds Problems" Trey solves the problem of Illegal Immigration.

I suggest we build the TransAmerican Pedestrian Walkway. Its a giant footbridge that starts in Mexico, spans the entire United States then comes down in Canadia! See the genius of it? Then immigrants may skip over our country and become "undocumented workers" in Canadia!

There could be a big sign on the Mexico side that reads, "Looking for a better life, aye?"

Now everybody is happy. Everybody. Every-body. Which bodies are happy now? All of them!

Wait, come to think of it, this does not solves the world's problem with immigration it just solves America's problem. Oh well, take that CANADIA!

If Canadians in Canadia have a problem with it, let them build their own walkway to Iceland!

Advice for Billy Mitch McB

Dear B.M. McB,

I thought I'd pass on a little advice, so watch your step because I'm about to drop some knowledge on you. (Although you don't walk or crawl so you don't have to watch your step. Also I won't drop it on you because I'm afraid of they soft spot on your head so I'll drop some knowledge adjacent to you.)

1) On TV: Don't let your parents make you a Baby-Einstein-Zombie. Recent studies show kids who watch that have a worse vocabulary than kids who watch what their parent's were watching. I think you'll like Lost although its slow pace and your short attention span might be a problem. Also, don't feel bad because you are still going to watch some Baby Einstein stuff, your parents need a break, and I'm sure its not bad in small doses. But parent's have been letting their kids do dangerous things for hundreds of years. When I was a kid we were allowed to watch Pee Wee Herman and sing along to Michael Jackson, this was a time before "To Catch a Predator" we didn't know any better.

2) On your Name: Don't stress over your name. At some point every body dislikes their name (trust me I know). Your parent's named you William Mitchell McBroom you think you got it bad, my name is Ervin Franklin Laminack III, I sound like secretary of the interior for 1805! Luckily I've already solved part of this problem for you by calling you Billy Mitch! What I wouldn't give for someone to have started calling me Vin (short for Ervin) twenty years ago!

3) Dealing with your mother: for the next two years I suggest you lay low and focus on being REALLY cute! You basically are dependant and you'll want to have put a lot of coins in your mom's cute-bank before you get to be a bother. After waiting two years I suggest you really freak out royally during your two's. Its the one time in your life you can be totally obnoxious and people will just shrug it off, unless you turn out like your maternal grandfather. Luckily you have a great mom.

4) Dealing with dad: A bond between father and son is powerful and unspoken. By this I mean don't expect to talk to him a lot. You have it good with your dad because he's not a uber-jock-make-my-son-play-football-in-the-womb kind of guy, so it'll be ok if you play video games. Actually asking your dad to play Wii will probably be the equivalent of asking him to play catch. But secretly every dad wants their son to be an athlete, so if you go Jock or Nerd you are covered. If you decide to go Jock may I suggest a sport: Curling. I think a curling champion named McBroom would be awesome. Or maybe Soccer, you could be "the McSweeper!"

5) On communication: Cry early, cry often. Until you can talk its the best you can hope for. When you can talk, ask a lot of questions that nobody could possibly answer. When possible, sing. Of course even if it is crying or talking or singing 90% of communication is non-verbal. Learn to throw things off your plate, make mean faces and pass gas.

6) On the diaper: Yes its degrading but its worse for your parents than it is for you. Try to hold back the really nasty one for when its your "dad's turn" to change you.

7) On shiny objects: Immediately put them in your mouth, swallow if possible.

8) On parents: It's guerrilla warfare. It's you verses them. All is fair in love and war, and this is both so go nuts. You must be the dominate life form in your environment before you are 7 or it'll never happen. By 15 you should be living in the master bedroom.

9) On grandparents: Payday baby! These strange hairy organisms will be a great source of pleasure. They'll want to spoil you and you will try to encourage this. Act differently around them, don't show them your mean face and don't swallow pennies in their presence. You are not at war with them, they are your allies against your parents. Even if they never gave their kids a dime they will think nothing of giving you $20 bucks just because its Thursday. The only war you should encourage is between your two sets of grandparents. Make them vie for your affection. The real trick here is the "1st Hug" Reward, eventually you hug them all, but if you are in a gathering with both sets of grandparents run up to the one who has given you something most recently and hug them and say, "Thanks for the Valentine's Card with MONEY in it Grandpsy!" This will cause the other grandpa to reach for his wallet. Also develop overly cute nick-names for your Grandparents. DO NOT ACCEPT PRE-CANNED NICK NAMES. If they want you to call her Gamma you mess it up in a cute way and call her Granola! (Better bland food than deadly radiation.)

Most of my advice is for your first few years, I better give you a jump start on the rest of your life. Early detection is key to survival.

10) On girls: I've spent a lot of thought and blog time to this topic. Let me be brief. Look for one that is "Acceptably Crazy." None of them are sane. None. If they seem sane they are just the worst kind of crazy that waits to spring after you're married or they are really a man. Knowing they are all crazy look for one that is "Acceptably crazy." And... avoid red head unless you have strong hand.

Good luck kid,
Uncle Trey

What to read after Harry Potter?

There are some people who weren't really readers before HP. They didn't know the dispair of a book release date two years in the future or the jubilation of its eventual release. Hopefully these people will become more that Harry Potter Readers, they'll become Readers, open to books that don't involve Hogwarts. (Although, I've already heard comments like "I'm done with book 7, now I won't have to read ever again.")

Well here are a few suggestions, if you liked Harry Potter you will probably find more books you like.

1) The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien - Another book for young adult readers, follow Bilbo Baggins all over middle-earth in his hunt for treasure. Followed by...

2) The Lord of the Rings - Tolkien also - You probably saw the movie but the books reads pretty differently. These are definitely written on a more adult level than the Hobbit and HP.

3) Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card - Ok, here is a book without any wizards in it, I know its shocking but you will probably love it! It does have kids and a special school, instead of a train there is a shuttle to get there. This is one of my Top 5 of all time. This book revolves around Ender Wiggin and his admittance into Battle School, were children are taught to be the military commanders of tomorrow. (I know you're thinking "Science Fiction barf!" but science fiction and fantasy are essentially the same genre, you just replace "magic" with "technology" to make miraculous things happen.)

4) The Once and Future King - T. H. White - Back to Wizards, the story of young King Arthur's rise to power. A classic. This book is so good Magneto reads it while he is in prison during X-Men 2.

5) Eragon - by Paolini - DON'T WATCH THE MOVIE... it stunk. But the book is fantastic. A young boy finds a dragon eggs, which are thought to be extinct. This book is for young adults and was written by one. (Of course some of you grown up who've only ever read Harry Potter books might consider yourself a young adult readers even if your 25.)

Well there are 5 books (if you count LotR as one which I do.). And don't give me that "how long are they" business. You just read 750 pages in one weekend!

I'll wait a few weeks before I talk about Harry Potter to allow people to read and digest.