Is this what John Kerry felt like?

And for that matter Gore?

I've voted in every presidential election available to me and until last night I was batting a thousand. But the person I voted for lost, fairly decisively. This has never happened to me.

I'm vexed by this feeling, to have something go the opposite way I want it to. This hasn't happened very often in my life. I've done and achieved what I wanted. I wanted an education, a girlfriend and buffalo wings and I got them.

And now there is this stinker in my life for 4 years. I'm taking it very personally. Yes, this election will have consequences nationally and abroad but right now I'm just stymied by the feeling that what I, Trey Milhouse Vanderbilt Hussein Laminack, did not get his way.

Am I the world's most petulant child?

Upon reflection, I don't really think I feel the same the way that Kerry and Gore supporters did. For one thing, I've never vowed to leave the country upon defeat. If I did I've the character to follow thru (hint hint Alec Baldwin). Also, if I had a McCain/Palin bumper sticker on my car (which I don't) I would take it off now. I still see Kerry and Gore stickers driving around in a complete state of denial.

I pray Obama makes good decisions. I have to admit that I kind of like the guy. Even if he doesn't have the record or character I look for in a president. He seems ok as a person. I'm sure the media will spin any mistakes he makes into wise choices, but lets hope he has the courage to do something original: Think for himself.

In conclusion I like Obama and hate the liberal media, Oprah, Jeremiah Wright, overly digital election coverage, higher taxes and bumper stickers.

Fun with MS Paint

Dean sent me this pic:

I sent him back this one:

A Trip to the DMS

I start my morning at 5am by double checking the 72 pages of forms I have to take with me to the Department of Medical Services. I naively feel lucky that I no longer have to "pay" for medical care. I've diagnosed myself with Deathitis. It's easy to diagnose. Two months before you die the word "Deathitis" appears across your chest in bold red san serif font. According to WebMD a simple day surgery and a pill can save my life. I even have 8 weeks to get it done.

The parking lot is crowded and I have to walk a couple of blocks to the DMS Building, which is also crowded. There is a long line of people waiting to get a number, luckily I've called ahead, I learned this trick at the DMV. I approach the "Appointments" window and a lady greets me without ever making eye contact.

"This line is for people who called ahead, sir." I know, I called ahead.

"If you called ahead you'd have a number, sir." I know, I have a number.

"You have a number?" Yes, I do.

She lets out a long sigh and puts down her emery board and turns on her computer. We wait while it powers up. She then calls a technician because the computer is on but the monitor isn't working. He arrives 30 minutes later and unplugs the lady's fan and re-plugs in the monitor. She is angry and notices I'm still waiting.

"This line is for people who called ahead, sir." I did call ahead, ma'am.

"If you called ahead you'd have a number, sir." I do have a number.

She half reaches for the slip of paper I've been trying to hand her for half an hour when a friend taps her on the shoulder. She gets into a game of "what did you do this weekend". After 10 minutes of that my lady checks her watch and goes on break. I stand there with my slip of paper outstretched.

20 minutes later a different woman returns and takes her place. She is surprised to see someone in her line.

"Sir, this line is for people who called ahead. You need to be in that line over there." I did call ahead and here is my number.

"If you called ahead you'd have a number..." She fades offand looks at my number. She punches it into the computer then unplugs the monitor so she can turn the fan back on.

"Please go to annex W12. That's W as in West, Twelve. 13th Floor, East Wing. Room 11."

I take a tram and it conveniently drops me off at E13, East Wing, where I go the 12th floor. I get into a shouting match with an OBGYN who informs me she doesn't treat Deathitis.

Eventually I find W12, 13th Floor, East Wing, Room 11. It is another set of lines. I have to choose between three lines: Confirmed Appointments, Tentative Appointments, Appointment Confirmations. I choose the last and wait an hour. I get there and try to give he my number. "Do you have the magenta form?" I do not. She informs me its in the back of the room and to fill it out.

I do so and wait another hour in line. She looks at the form and at my number, then shakes her head and looks at me. "You're in the wrong line. You have a confirmed reservation not a reservation waiting to be confirmed." She points me at the correct line which is blissfully shorter.

Unfortunately they don't accept Magenta forms only Fuchsia. I play the line game one more time and reach the front of the line. As I'm about to step forward the man behind the counter goes to lunch. I'm starving but I'm next so there's no way I'm leaving. He returns at a quarter till three and smells suspiciously like lunch beers.

"Next." I present my ID and 10 colorful forms. While he was away I decided to remove all doubt and fill out all the forms available in the room. I did Magenta, Fuchsia, Salmon, Carnation, Cherry Blossom, Cerise, Orchid, Lavender Pink, Hot Pink and Pink. He wades through them and selects the three he likes best.

"Sir, your confirmed reservation was for the AM. I'll have to put you on the tentative reservation list." After a trip through the tentative line I'm shuttled to the Waiting Room Warehouse H. A room the size of a football field awaits me. I am given number 5,439. Now serving: 2,001-2,005.

I try to find a seat. If possible I'd like to sit next to someone else with Deathitis. Its hard to spot them, even though a large number of occupants aren't wearing a shirt.

I eventually sit next to a man with a rake sticking out of his neck and a woman giving birth. Her contractions are 6 minutes apart and her number is 2,414. I spend the next hour feeding her ice chips and helping name the twins. She is grateful and leaves me her number before she goes.

Around 9pm my new number pays off. I go into exam room 88. My 12 year old doctor is there chained to the wall beneath his Calcutta Med Diploma. He has a hammock in the back he can sleep in but he is an indentured servant until he pays off his student loans.

I take off my shirt and he carefully examines my Deathitis. He has to be certain it isn't just painted on. He takes a skin sample and informs me he'll send it to the lab. Results take 3-6 weeks.

6 Weeks? Doctor, I have Deathitis. "Whoa, lets let the boys in the lab be the judge of that."

But I only have 2 months to live. "You do IF you have Deathitis. If you just painted it on you could live longer. Wouldn't you rather know for sure?"

I know for sure! I didn't paint this on! Who would do that? "Sir, we have to follow procedures."

I cry and contemplate strangling him with he wall chain. "Sir, there's a man out there with a rake in his neck. We can't waste time on you're little problem."

Deathitis! I have Deathitis! The word Death is right there in the name! "What's in a name?" He quips.

It's not I realize I hate Ivory School types, even if the ivory is from an Indian elephant.

I return home and await my test results. It's ok, I have time. No need to panic. I stop wearing a shirt. My Deathitis scar is a real conversation starter. I fill my days with Sudoku and raking the leaves very carefully.

Six weeks later I receive a letter that my test results are in and low and behold I have Deathitis. They've scheduled me for surgery at their earliest convenience in 18 months. I call my doctor who informs me if I wanted to have it taken care of in the next two weeks I should have started the proceedings 16 months before I had the disease.

And two weeks later I died.

Trey Solves the World's Problems: Illegal Immigration

Today on "Trey Solves the Worlds Problems" Trey solves the problem of Illegal Immigration.

I suggest we build the TransAmerican Pedestrian Walkway. Its a giant footbridge that starts in Mexico, spans the entire United States then comes down in Canadia! See the genius of it? Then immigrants may skip over our country and become "undocumented workers" in Canadia!

There could be a big sign on the Mexico side that reads, "Looking for a better life, aye?"

Now everybody is happy. Everybody. Every-body. Which bodies are happy now? All of them!

Wait, come to think of it, this does not solves the world's problem with immigration it just solves America's problem. Oh well, take that CANADIA!

If Canadians in Canadia have a problem with it, let them build their own walkway to Iceland!

Daylight Savings

I can't wake up, daylight savings came three weeks early this year. I guess a groundhog ran into a leprechaun and decided to move the date up. But I can't get onto the new schedule. I'm all out of wack. So I go looking for someone to blame of course. Turns out this is all congressman Markey's fault (D-MA).

So here is an actual quote off of MSNBC:

"In addition to the benefits of energy saving, less crime, fewer traffic fatalities, more recreation time and increased economic activity, daylight saving just brings a smile to everybody's faces," Congressman Markey said in a press statement.

Am I the reading that right? One of the reasons to change the time was to "bring a smile to everybody's face"! What kind of crock is that! I mean is Markey some kind of mutant morning person? Who here honestly says, oh! boy we get to loose an hour of sleep only to undo it in 6 months!

I'm more worried about arbitrarily moving the date up 3 weeks. Ben Franklin invented daylight savings and he had reasons for choosing the dates. And one of them was NOT smiles. If we move it up three weeks every year soon we'll be going to work in the dead of night and sleeping during the day. But we'll be doing it with BIG SMILES ON OUR FACES... I guess.

If the government is so concerned about smiles, here are some other suggested amendment:

• Every traffic ticket now comes with a caramel.
• Make the yellow light on traffic signals a Smiley Face.
• Publicly beat Markey.
• The DMV will now offer an extra line for those who are "like seriously in a hurry" so you don't have to wait in that other long line.
• Tax breaks for dance lessons.
• Instead of Camo the Army Soldiers can now wear colorful and entertain scrubs like pediatric nurses: This years hot fashion in Kabul is Winnie the Pooh scrubs.
• Pediatric nurses will be allowed to carry firearms.
• Police siren to be replaced by Ice-Cream Man song "The Entertainer"... "Oooh Ice Cream, wait... no, I'm being pulled over... at least I get a caramel."

I'll bet your smiling already!

Burger War

I usually don't do this but I think it is REALLY important, now more than ever.

This was an idea was originally made up by a Dr. Pepper executive after spilling cleaning products and inhaling the fumes. Therefore you should all do as I say because a rich person had the idea and you have to listen to the rich!

So for the rest of your natural life (and any unnatural life that follows) we all need to refrain from buying hamburgers from the worlds two largest companies: McDonalds and "The Golden Arches" which are actually one company according to my mom.

If we don't buy burgers from them then they will be FORCED (yes FORCED) to lower their prices. And their competitors will be FORCED to lower their prices. Yes FORCED! They don't get to choose we can FORCE things, FORCE! I have control over how everyone reacts to things like this and they will be FORCED!

The current price of a Big Mac is $2.90! That's right $2.90! I remember saying "I'll never pay say more than $1 for a Big Mac!" But here we are paying more than 5 times what we used to pay and just taking it! We are not sheep! McDonalds and George W can not control me!

If we all buy elsewhere then we can see the price of Burgers drop not just at McD's but across THE WHOLE WORLD! Image eating a Wendy's originl triple with cheese for just $1.25! Or what if the Jumbo Jack was only $0.43? We can do it.

BUT WE ALL HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER FOR THIS TO WORK! IF YOU FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO 100 PEOPLE AND THEY SEND IT 100 YOU WILL QUICKLY ACCUMULATE THOUSANDS IF NOT MILLIONS OF >>>>>>>GULLIBLE PEOPLE!<<<<<<<< ALL CAPS MAKES ME FEEL IMPORTANT! FORCED, FORCED I SAY!

Don't listne to nay sayers who mention the cost of beef rising, natural inflation or how stupid this idea is. Those people are just puppets of the all powerful Ronald McDonald and his associate Donald Rumsfeld.

This can really work. You should really inconvenience your friends by sending this out. They won't think you are stupid. They will think you are a mensa member or some kind of wise jedi knight!

This can work, honest, why doesn't anyone believe me! I FORCE you to believe me! FORCE!