Daylight Savings

I can't wake up, daylight savings came three weeks early this year. I guess a groundhog ran into a leprechaun and decided to move the date up. But I can't get onto the new schedule. I'm all out of wack. So I go looking for someone to blame of course. Turns out this is all congressman Markey's fault (D-MA).

So here is an actual quote off of MSNBC:

"In addition to the benefits of energy saving, less crime, fewer traffic fatalities, more recreation time and increased economic activity, daylight saving just brings a smile to everybody's faces," Congressman Markey said in a press statement.

Am I the reading that right? One of the reasons to change the time was to "bring a smile to everybody's face"! What kind of crock is that! I mean is Markey some kind of mutant morning person? Who here honestly says, oh! boy we get to loose an hour of sleep only to undo it in 6 months!

I'm more worried about arbitrarily moving the date up 3 weeks. Ben Franklin invented daylight savings and he had reasons for choosing the dates. And one of them was NOT smiles. If we move it up three weeks every year soon we'll be going to work in the dead of night and sleeping during the day. But we'll be doing it with BIG SMILES ON OUR FACES... I guess.

If the government is so concerned about smiles, here are some other suggested amendment:

• Every traffic ticket now comes with a caramel.
• Make the yellow light on traffic signals a Smiley Face.
• Publicly beat Markey.
• The DMV will now offer an extra line for those who are "like seriously in a hurry" so you don't have to wait in that other long line.
• Tax breaks for dance lessons.
• Instead of Camo the Army Soldiers can now wear colorful and entertain scrubs like pediatric nurses: This years hot fashion in Kabul is Winnie the Pooh scrubs.
• Pediatric nurses will be allowed to carry firearms.
• Police siren to be replaced by Ice-Cream Man song "The Entertainer"... "Oooh Ice Cream, wait... no, I'm being pulled over... at least I get a caramel."

I'll bet your smiling already!

Burger War

I usually don't do this but I think it is REALLY important, now more than ever.

This was an idea was originally made up by a Dr. Pepper executive after spilling cleaning products and inhaling the fumes. Therefore you should all do as I say because a rich person had the idea and you have to listen to the rich!

So for the rest of your natural life (and any unnatural life that follows) we all need to refrain from buying hamburgers from the worlds two largest companies: McDonalds and "The Golden Arches" which are actually one company according to my mom.

If we don't buy burgers from them then they will be FORCED (yes FORCED) to lower their prices. And their competitors will be FORCED to lower their prices. Yes FORCED! They don't get to choose we can FORCE things, FORCE! I have control over how everyone reacts to things like this and they will be FORCED!

The current price of a Big Mac is $2.90! That's right $2.90! I remember saying "I'll never pay say more than $1 for a Big Mac!" But here we are paying more than 5 times what we used to pay and just taking it! We are not sheep! McDonalds and George W can not control me!

If we all buy elsewhere then we can see the price of Burgers drop not just at McD's but across THE WHOLE WORLD! Image eating a Wendy's originl triple with cheese for just $1.25! Or what if the Jumbo Jack was only $0.43? We can do it.

BUT WE ALL HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER FOR THIS TO WORK! IF YOU FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO 100 PEOPLE AND THEY SEND IT 100 YOU WILL QUICKLY ACCUMULATE THOUSANDS IF NOT MILLIONS OF >>>>>>>GULLIBLE PEOPLE!<<<<<<<< ALL CAPS MAKES ME FEEL IMPORTANT! FORCED, FORCED I SAY!

Don't listne to nay sayers who mention the cost of beef rising, natural inflation or how stupid this idea is. Those people are just puppets of the all powerful Ronald McDonald and his associate Donald Rumsfeld.

This can really work. You should really inconvenience your friends by sending this out. They won't think you are stupid. They will think you are a mensa member or some kind of wise jedi knight!

This can work, honest, why doesn't anyone believe me! I FORCE you to believe me! FORCE!