First Day of School

I guess I'll play a little slow pitch and discuss the differences between your first day at school your in Junior High and your first day at school at college.

Night Before:
JH: In bed an hour early. Clothes laid out. Lunch packed
Col: In bed 4 hours before you have to be at class

Morning of:
JH: Wake up an hour earlier than normal in anticipation. Mom has prepared a breakfast featuring "brain food" and all 7 food groups. Dress to the 9's, take a photo holding lunch box.
Col: Wake up 15 minutes before class. Luckily clean clothes are available, try to look like you just woke up, shouldn't be hard.

First Day Classes:
JH: Teachers want to make a good first impression. Perhaps they have games or candy prepared but its time to "get to work" you start learning things immediately (usually what you forgot over the summer).
Col: "Syllabus Day" here is your syllabus... see you Wednesday.

Friends:
JH: Who are these new people?
Col: Where are the new people?

Biggest Fears:
JH: Public embarrassment
Col: Public anonymity.

Biggest Misconception:
JH: Everyone is watching everything I do.
Col: College will go on forever.

Lunch:
JH: Another dietitian prepared meal, featuring a encouraging note written on a napkin. Snack pack optional.
Col: Two chick-fil-a sandwiches, no fries, water to drink... also "lunch" is at 1:30pm.

Conflict:
JH: Boys fight in the schoolyard. Girls rip each other up emotionally with words.
Col: Boys fight on XBox. Girls rip each other up emotionally with text messages.

Homework:
JH: Reading list and diorama due in 4 weeks.
Col: The syllabus lists a lot of stuff but none of it is due next time you meet... therefore, nothing.

Boys/Girls:
JH: Girls only like slightly effeminate non-threatening boys (Zac Hefron). Boys are either oblivious or obsessed with girls.
Col: Freshman Girls are a hot commodity, single Senior Girls are desperate. Senior Boys are BMOCs, Fish boys have no chance.

After school:
JH: Tell mom everything that happened. Show off new books. Repeat stories when dad gets home.
Col: Nap.

20 Things about Maggie.

Given that lots of my blog community has done the 100 things about themselves. I think its time to put a twist on it. Obviously 100 would be too long, so I settle on 20. Who better to start with than my oldest friend Maggie Inlow. I'm trying to do things she didn't already mention in her 100. This is a dangerous game though, you want to be honest, and not just blow smoke at them.

20 Things about Maggie (Maggie has a link on the Right side of this page to her blog.)

1. There is a picture of Maggie and I kissing poolside. We were both 2.
2. I knew something was up with Maggie and the Intern, they later married.
3. Maggie is able to talk me into almost anything.
4. Maggie is the most uninhibited person I know.
5. Maggie is one of the happiest people I know.
6. Numbers 4 and 5 are related I'm sure.
7. Mags is simultaneously a good gossip and secret-keeper.
8. Maggie and I went to school together 11 of 14 years from K-Freshman Year at College.
9. Maggie can remember the names of all our elementary school teachers we had. *
10. I guarantee Maggie can sing the entire school song for JT Stevens maybe know the words to the SCS Song. **
11. Maggie did not get along with her dorm mom at Harding.
12. Maggie's favorite flowers are tulips.***
13. Maggie causes people to relax around her.
14. Maggie is a good hostess.****
15. Maggie can make this little sandwiches wrapped up in tin foil that I love.
16. Maggie was once in a singing group called "Inner Voice"*****
17. Maggie will occasionally use new words she has just heard out of context.******
18. Maggie was a High School drama star! "Turn back, old man!"
19. Maggie has "Faith like a Child"*******

20. Maggie will NOT stand for dry pallet.

-

* I cannot.

**Nobody knew the words to the SCS song. "Our father... mumble... mumble... and lead in ... mumble... our Christian School." (She may prove me wrong.)

*** At least they were in High School, do girls taste in flowers ever change or is it set in stone?

*** This is an exception to her normal disorganized state. For a party she'll get the details down.

***** "If if you have have not heard your Inner Voices"
****** For example: I once told Maggie she was "wailing like a banshee". She took that to mean adding "like a banshee" to the end of something made it more emphatic. Later that day she was "hungry like a banshee" an expression I still use. Maggie has no fear of using words in this way. If its wrong its just funnier and she rolls with it.
******* I'm not saying she's childish or her faith is immature or frivolous. I'm saying when she believes she BELIEVES, without equivocation! (Maggie be careful how you use the word equivocation.)

OK Mags, consider yourself Tagged but you can't do me, pay it forward.

100 Things about Trey

Emily tagged me and I'm not sure if I'm doing this right or not. I think its stuff you may not know about me. It seems like 100 things is a very large and a very small number.



1. I am brutally honest. (I know people say that a lot and mean it as a cool thing about them. Most of them are lying about it anyway. But when I say "brutally honest" I mean it as a character flaw that I have trouble controlling.)
2. My name is Ervin Franklin Laminack III
3. <--- Trey means "the Third" or 3. It is used in poker and roullete jargon. Trey is kind of a formal nickname on par with "Junior" 4. My dream job is author. 5. My favorite hobby is reading. 6. I am a habitual collector. 7. I suffer from male Playboy Bunny Syndrome. (Nobody asks them out because they assume someone that attractive would be taken and busy.) Usually I'm at home reading and find out later about stuff I missed. 8. I can perform a psychic cold reading. I am not psychic but neither are most psychics. 9. I'm learning how to do handwriting analysis. 10. There was a stretch when I 5-10 years old where I vomited at least one or twice a week. I did not have an eating disorder, I had an undiagnosed sinus condition. 11. I may be the 2nd worse spelled in the world. No you are not #1. 12. I stole an inflatable moose head from one of my professors at ACU, I named him "Madeinchina." 13. My father once made me apologize to the manager of a hardware store for stealing one tenpenny nail I found on the floor of the hardware store and took home with us.
14. I've never seriously proposed to any women.
15. I have asked Kelly Sargent to marry me over the phone. She just laughed. Ouch.
16. I plan on forming an exploratory committee do find myself a wife, but the paperwork is holding me back.
17. I can juggle.
18. I am addicted to video games. Currently my favorite online game is "Vector Tower Defense" I rank in the top 10 high scorers as "DrCreep"
19. I read a comic book every week.
20. I know all the rules to Dungeons and Dragons Editions 1 thru 3.5
21. I am a dork or a geek depending on mood.
22. I taught statistics during college as a G.A. and T.A. I understand multicollinearityand MANCOVA tests. But sometimes it takes me a second to figure out was 6 times 7 seven is.
23. I wanted to be an astronaut as a child.
24. My biggest fear is dying without having been a father.
25. I am not tidy, but I know were things are.
26. I once ate 12 blazing wings in under six minutes with no drink or dipping sauce to get on the wall of flame at BWW. My lips burned for hours.
27. I look Latin classes in elementary school, German in Middle School, Spanish in High School and Greek in College. Of these I speak Greek the best.
28. I formed a fake club at Harding and named it Super Chi. Its symbol was a superman symbol but with an X in the middle.
29. My favorite ice cream is Cookies and Cream.
30. My favorite food is Tex-Mex. (Adding Tex means there is cheese melted on everything and flour instead of corn tortillas.) Runner up is Buffalo Wings.
31. I consider myself an excellent dance. I'm credited with inventing "The Hammer." The secret to good dancing is a lack of shame and practicing in a mirror.
32. I am a member of Psy Chi, the National Honor Society of Pyschology Student.
33. I usually think I'm cyclothymic.
34. Sometime I think I'm kidding myself about cyclothymic and think I'm full on Bipolar. Then I think my psych training has gotten the better of me and I'm probably not either, I'm just hungry.
35. I would spoil my nieces and nephew more if I had more money.
36. I wanted to be a Youth Minister when I was 18. When I did my first internship I decided I didn't like teenagers at all.
37. I consider my 2 years at ACU grad school my "Time of Jonah" when I was trying to run away from being a minister. It didn't work any better for me than it did for Jonah.
38. I have been known by the nicknames: Wondermop, Mojo, T-Dawg, Old Dog Trey, Chilly Mac, T-Lizzle and maybe a feew others. Some of which lasted a long time and some only a little while.
39. I can play the Ukulele... did I already say that?
40. I don't know anybody's birthday but my own and Jesus'. (Yes, I know we don't know Jesus' b-day.)
41. I bought my first CD when I was 17 it was Green Day. (I had a few before then but they were gifts or loaners.)
42. I'm prone to speeding.
43. My dream job is author.
44. My biggest problem is being self-defeating.
45. I have started writing over 100 books only to quit when I thought they didn't measure up to what I thought they should be. I've thought of trying to publish a book with 100 first chapters of books.
46. I once swallowed a live goldfish.
47. I am an archer.
48. I don't work out or eat right.
49. I've saved nothing for retirement.
50. I probably won't need to save for retirement because my poor diet and exercise routine will probably kill me sooner.
51. I worry that the earth will become overpopulated due to increases in medical science, agriculture and globalization and that one day the shoe will drop and a billion people will starve to death.
52. I was president of my High School Student body and National Honor Society.
53. I don't take pictures of things besides church events, and then I get someone else to do it.
54. I can eat the same type of food two days in a row without throwing a hissy fit. (Order something different people).
55. If a place doesn't have Diet Coke I get angry if they serve me Diet Pepsi without saying so. I'd prefer tea or water.
56. I have reoccurring nightmare where an armed man holds our church hostage until one of us sacrifices himself. I volunteer and get shot.
57. I fantasize about winning the lottery. It always includes giving money to churches and setting up scholarships for my nieces and nephew before I go crazy.
58. My fridge at home rarely has solid food. Currently only ketchup, mustard, pickles and take out so old it has its own email address.
59. My fridge always contains cold drinks.
60. I am self-effacing. I hate people who hear me make fun of myself then repeat it back to me as an attack. At least be original in your hate speech.
61. I could have been a used are salesman but I hate the sun.
62. It was hard but I found a job were ADD is an asset.
63. I want to vacation to NY,NY and the Northwest because I think they're cool and because I have friends there.
64. Top 3 things I look for in a woman: Beauty, Sense of Humor, Potentially a Good Mom.
65. I might crumble into a pile of Trey-dust if I didn't have Tuesday-Boy's-Nights.
66. My morning routine can take between 10 minutes and an hour... based on #33.
67. I have voted in every election (major and minor) since I turned 18.
68. I'd vote Libertarian if it wasn't throwing my vote away, hence I vote Republican.
69. I have a lot of toys in my office. People come in and get distracted playing. Its interesting to see how people react to my toys.
70. I've never eaten sushi! There I said it. I've lied about eating it for years! The truth is out, free at last, free at last.
71. I don't intend to eat sushi ever. I think you sushi people are just trendy posers.
72. I talk to myself when alone and often sing and dance around the house, often just singing jibberish.
73. I always want what I can't have. (I'm suddenly tempted to eat sushi. I was just thinking about the valid oriental tradition of eating sushi, and the fact that Travis eats it and he's not a poser.)
74. Ann says I have a warped sense of humor. I said, "Hello Pot, this is the kettle. You're black." (A joke I invented but Jeff has since stolen and quoted back to me on my facebook.)
75. I think I'm too old for facebook and myspace, I have both.
76. I feel shackled by people expectations to be interesting, funny and/or intelligent.
77. Sometimes I'm boring, humorless and stupid.
78. I daydream a lot. Sometimes about Ninja attacks and sometimes about hypothetical social situations and what I might say in them that is interesting, funny and smart.
79. Given the choice between moving it or losing it, I choose lose it.
80. I had a school counsel and nurse double team me one time on my need to get on ADD meds. They had told me about the meeting 2 days in advance and I did my research. I told them to pull up a copy of my report card: All A's in classes. I told them it wasn't impairing my academic functioning and I didn't want to take needless drugs. This stymied them. I had read a book in the Library about over medicating children. I think they intended to convince me to convince my parents because I talked too much in class.
81. I tend to get to writing and write too long. (see # 80)
82. Top 5 inventions: Printing press, TiVo, Air Conditioning, Internet, Blue Cheese Dressing.
83. I want a smallish dog badly.
84. I work surrounded by women.
85. I'm unsure what to name my future son (if #24 doesn't happen). Can I in good conscience name a kid Ervin Franklin Laminack IV?
86. I've planned my own funeral.
87. My Top 3 Shows you probably don't watch: Flight of the Concords, Frisky Dingo, Metalocalypse. You tube them.
88. The most expensive pair of shoes I own are sandals.
89. My clothes need only meet two standards: Cleanliness and modesty. Fashion and Archaic traditions don't matter. I can tie a tie but I don't like to. It serves no function other than aid children in strangling me.
90. I read a lot! I've said that already but it bears repeating.
91. I'm certain once I finish this list I'll think of 20 better things to put on it.
92. I often suffer from buyers remorse.
93. You know that feeling after an argument or conversation when on the ride home you think of the perfect thing to say. That never happens to me. I always know the perfect thing to say when I need it. (But Tom Hanks was right in "You've Got Mail" this power has a drawback, you throw out a zinger and become Mr. Nasty then feel bad later.)
94. I'd like to own a large hunk of land in the country on a lake. Secluded, nature-ish, but with a cabin with AC, Internet, Tivo and Blue Cheese dressing.
95. I think I would make an excellent Judge or politician, I'm unbribable.
96. I can solve a Rubik's cube in 5 minutes or less. (It used to be 2 minutes or less but I'm out of practice.)
97. I think the Human Brain is the most amazing thing ever!
98. I'm a sinner.
99. I'm a Christian.
100. I think the Reformation call that started the CofC did not reach its target. I believe the we can be the 1st Century church but aren't yet. We made some progress, stopped and adopted new traditions.

Well there it is. I had trouble with the formatting. It kept wanting to put 3 spaces between the #'s or make it all one huge paragraph.

Advice for Billy Mitch McB

Dear B.M. McB,

I thought I'd pass on a little advice, so watch your step because I'm about to drop some knowledge on you. (Although you don't walk or crawl so you don't have to watch your step. Also I won't drop it on you because I'm afraid of they soft spot on your head so I'll drop some knowledge adjacent to you.)

1) On TV: Don't let your parents make you a Baby-Einstein-Zombie. Recent studies show kids who watch that have a worse vocabulary than kids who watch what their parent's were watching. I think you'll like Lost although its slow pace and your short attention span might be a problem. Also, don't feel bad because you are still going to watch some Baby Einstein stuff, your parents need a break, and I'm sure its not bad in small doses. But parent's have been letting their kids do dangerous things for hundreds of years. When I was a kid we were allowed to watch Pee Wee Herman and sing along to Michael Jackson, this was a time before "To Catch a Predator" we didn't know any better.

2) On your Name: Don't stress over your name. At some point every body dislikes their name (trust me I know). Your parent's named you William Mitchell McBroom you think you got it bad, my name is Ervin Franklin Laminack III, I sound like secretary of the interior for 1805! Luckily I've already solved part of this problem for you by calling you Billy Mitch! What I wouldn't give for someone to have started calling me Vin (short for Ervin) twenty years ago!

3) Dealing with your mother: for the next two years I suggest you lay low and focus on being REALLY cute! You basically are dependant and you'll want to have put a lot of coins in your mom's cute-bank before you get to be a bother. After waiting two years I suggest you really freak out royally during your two's. Its the one time in your life you can be totally obnoxious and people will just shrug it off, unless you turn out like your maternal grandfather. Luckily you have a great mom.

4) Dealing with dad: A bond between father and son is powerful and unspoken. By this I mean don't expect to talk to him a lot. You have it good with your dad because he's not a uber-jock-make-my-son-play-football-in-the-womb kind of guy, so it'll be ok if you play video games. Actually asking your dad to play Wii will probably be the equivalent of asking him to play catch. But secretly every dad wants their son to be an athlete, so if you go Jock or Nerd you are covered. If you decide to go Jock may I suggest a sport: Curling. I think a curling champion named McBroom would be awesome. Or maybe Soccer, you could be "the McSweeper!"

5) On communication: Cry early, cry often. Until you can talk its the best you can hope for. When you can talk, ask a lot of questions that nobody could possibly answer. When possible, sing. Of course even if it is crying or talking or singing 90% of communication is non-verbal. Learn to throw things off your plate, make mean faces and pass gas.

6) On the diaper: Yes its degrading but its worse for your parents than it is for you. Try to hold back the really nasty one for when its your "dad's turn" to change you.

7) On shiny objects: Immediately put them in your mouth, swallow if possible.

8) On parents: It's guerrilla warfare. It's you verses them. All is fair in love and war, and this is both so go nuts. You must be the dominate life form in your environment before you are 7 or it'll never happen. By 15 you should be living in the master bedroom.

9) On grandparents: Payday baby! These strange hairy organisms will be a great source of pleasure. They'll want to spoil you and you will try to encourage this. Act differently around them, don't show them your mean face and don't swallow pennies in their presence. You are not at war with them, they are your allies against your parents. Even if they never gave their kids a dime they will think nothing of giving you $20 bucks just because its Thursday. The only war you should encourage is between your two sets of grandparents. Make them vie for your affection. The real trick here is the "1st Hug" Reward, eventually you hug them all, but if you are in a gathering with both sets of grandparents run up to the one who has given you something most recently and hug them and say, "Thanks for the Valentine's Card with MONEY in it Grandpsy!" This will cause the other grandpa to reach for his wallet. Also develop overly cute nick-names for your Grandparents. DO NOT ACCEPT PRE-CANNED NICK NAMES. If they want you to call her Gamma you mess it up in a cute way and call her Granola! (Better bland food than deadly radiation.)

Most of my advice is for your first few years, I better give you a jump start on the rest of your life. Early detection is key to survival.

10) On girls: I've spent a lot of thought and blog time to this topic. Let me be brief. Look for one that is "Acceptably Crazy." None of them are sane. None. If they seem sane they are just the worst kind of crazy that waits to spring after you're married or they are really a man. Knowing they are all crazy look for one that is "Acceptably crazy." And... avoid red head unless you have strong hand.

Good luck kid,
Uncle Trey

Thoughts on Change

Tolstoy said "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
Gandhi said "Be the change you want to see in this world."
Heraclitus said "Nothing endures but change."

I particularly like the ancient Greek's thought on this. Particularly when you think about how much more durable change is than folding money. Paper money doesn't hold up well in the wash, even though its not actually paper but cloth.

Thoughts on Change:

The Quarter is the king of change. Universally useful and about the only change people are ever really happy to receive. Used to be, one would get you a phone call and two would get you a coke but these things are... changing. With the advent of the 50 states quarters all I can say is "Long live the KING!"

The Penny is probably the most noble and under appreciated of all coinage. I've known people who throw them away. I have to admit I've done it before, I swept the house, got dust bunnies from under the couch along with a few crunch berries and a penny or two. Looking down into the horrible mess in the dust pan I consider fishing out the 2 cents, but... alas... I sent Honest Abe to the trash can. Still there is something noble and cool about pennies. After all everyone likes a shiny one, and we all are on the lookout for a lucky one.

The Nickle is the most masculine of all loose change. Robust and stout. It also doesn't mess around with that girly decorative ridges around the edge. It is smooth like that. Also Buffalo Nickles are really cool and macho as well.

The Dime is the feminine yin to the nickles masculine yang. I'm tempted to call the dime "fruity." The dime has an identity crisis, worth more than a nickle its smaller, slimmer more easily lost in the couch. For Pete's sake its smaller than the penny. Also it doesn't have it's own color scheme like the Penny doesn't, weak. The Dime probably gets picked on by other coins in your pocket.

The Susan B Anthony Dollars is a joke. Its way to close in size to the quarter. Strangely when you mistake it for a quarter you should be pleased to discover its worth 4 times as much, but usually I'm annoyed that this feminist little coin is such an odd duck it isn't even round. I say lets melt down these coins and end women's sufferage (but that's a rant for another time).

The Sacagawea dollar is doomed to not take off for another ten years, America isn't ready for large increment coinage like Europe, we also still don't like soccer. But this large gold coin is a great improvement over the Suzy. The only hurdle left is to get people to stop pronouncing it "Sock-uh-JEW-ee-uh" and start saying it correctly "Sah-COG-uh-way-uh." Every time I hear that over stresses "JEW" in her name 1/32nd of my heritage feels oppressed. Why don't you just wrap my gold dollar coin in a small pox blanket.

The Fifty Cent Piece... do they still make these?

And I'll end with another misleading quote about that other kind of change by Robert frost:

"Most of the change we think we see in life

Is due to truths being in and out of favor."

Girls Lock-In

You may be wondering why I was at a "Girls only" lock-in. But I was there to basically be a slave.

6pm - Start making Chocolate Fondue. Turns out one of the AC units was out so it was very hot.

7pm - Girls Arrive - I'm still cooking fondue, nuggets and fries. The interns have prepped plates of stuff to dip in chocolate. The interns are keeping the girls busy playing "take a hike," they do silly things like "If you think Lindsey and Leah rock, take a hike!"

7:30pm - Dinner begins. We have Chic-fil-a nuggets and store bought fries that I cook to perfection. The kids think they are "real" fries. They were tottally GBD.

8:00pm - The food it took me an hour and a half to eat is totally devoured in 25 minutes. The girls loved it. I was left with the cleaning. 3 fondue pots and three crock pots are now coated in chocolate. I begin to scrub over the sink.

9:00pm - I'm done scrubbing and the girls are doing Karaoke. The girls ask me to sing a song and I do that thing were I pretend to be shy for 30 seconds, "No I couldn't... I'm not ready... ok fine!" I begin my song by saying, "I dedicate this to song to the two greatest interns ever... Kelly Sargent and Rachel White." My current interns didn't think this was as funny as I did. I sang Proclaimers "500 Miles" with edited lyrics. "When I get done, I know I'm going to be. I'm going to be..."

10:00pm - Crafts. I make a bracelet. With lime green, chocolate and teal beads. People were jealous of it.

Midnight - I make my leave before the devo starts.

6am - Time to make the donuts. I run pick up donuts, OJ and Moo Juice so the girls can have breakfast at 7am. The parents begin arriving at 7:30 and the last one is gone by 8:30.

If was a very girly two days.

I promise my next post will be more pointless than this one.