Advice for Billy Mitch McB

Dear B.M. McB,

I thought I'd pass on a little advice, so watch your step because I'm about to drop some knowledge on you. (Although you don't walk or crawl so you don't have to watch your step. Also I won't drop it on you because I'm afraid of they soft spot on your head so I'll drop some knowledge adjacent to you.)

1) On TV: Don't let your parents make you a Baby-Einstein-Zombie. Recent studies show kids who watch that have a worse vocabulary than kids who watch what their parent's were watching. I think you'll like Lost although its slow pace and your short attention span might be a problem. Also, don't feel bad because you are still going to watch some Baby Einstein stuff, your parents need a break, and I'm sure its not bad in small doses. But parent's have been letting their kids do dangerous things for hundreds of years. When I was a kid we were allowed to watch Pee Wee Herman and sing along to Michael Jackson, this was a time before "To Catch a Predator" we didn't know any better.

2) On your Name: Don't stress over your name. At some point every body dislikes their name (trust me I know). Your parent's named you William Mitchell McBroom you think you got it bad, my name is Ervin Franklin Laminack III, I sound like secretary of the interior for 1805! Luckily I've already solved part of this problem for you by calling you Billy Mitch! What I wouldn't give for someone to have started calling me Vin (short for Ervin) twenty years ago!

3) Dealing with your mother: for the next two years I suggest you lay low and focus on being REALLY cute! You basically are dependant and you'll want to have put a lot of coins in your mom's cute-bank before you get to be a bother. After waiting two years I suggest you really freak out royally during your two's. Its the one time in your life you can be totally obnoxious and people will just shrug it off, unless you turn out like your maternal grandfather. Luckily you have a great mom.

4) Dealing with dad: A bond between father and son is powerful and unspoken. By this I mean don't expect to talk to him a lot. You have it good with your dad because he's not a uber-jock-make-my-son-play-football-in-the-womb kind of guy, so it'll be ok if you play video games. Actually asking your dad to play Wii will probably be the equivalent of asking him to play catch. But secretly every dad wants their son to be an athlete, so if you go Jock or Nerd you are covered. If you decide to go Jock may I suggest a sport: Curling. I think a curling champion named McBroom would be awesome. Or maybe Soccer, you could be "the McSweeper!"

5) On communication: Cry early, cry often. Until you can talk its the best you can hope for. When you can talk, ask a lot of questions that nobody could possibly answer. When possible, sing. Of course even if it is crying or talking or singing 90% of communication is non-verbal. Learn to throw things off your plate, make mean faces and pass gas.

6) On the diaper: Yes its degrading but its worse for your parents than it is for you. Try to hold back the really nasty one for when its your "dad's turn" to change you.

7) On shiny objects: Immediately put them in your mouth, swallow if possible.

8) On parents: It's guerrilla warfare. It's you verses them. All is fair in love and war, and this is both so go nuts. You must be the dominate life form in your environment before you are 7 or it'll never happen. By 15 you should be living in the master bedroom.

9) On grandparents: Payday baby! These strange hairy organisms will be a great source of pleasure. They'll want to spoil you and you will try to encourage this. Act differently around them, don't show them your mean face and don't swallow pennies in their presence. You are not at war with them, they are your allies against your parents. Even if they never gave their kids a dime they will think nothing of giving you $20 bucks just because its Thursday. The only war you should encourage is between your two sets of grandparents. Make them vie for your affection. The real trick here is the "1st Hug" Reward, eventually you hug them all, but if you are in a gathering with both sets of grandparents run up to the one who has given you something most recently and hug them and say, "Thanks for the Valentine's Card with MONEY in it Grandpsy!" This will cause the other grandpa to reach for his wallet. Also develop overly cute nick-names for your Grandparents. DO NOT ACCEPT PRE-CANNED NICK NAMES. If they want you to call her Gamma you mess it up in a cute way and call her Granola! (Better bland food than deadly radiation.)

Most of my advice is for your first few years, I better give you a jump start on the rest of your life. Early detection is key to survival.

10) On girls: I've spent a lot of thought and blog time to this topic. Let me be brief. Look for one that is "Acceptably Crazy." None of them are sane. None. If they seem sane they are just the worst kind of crazy that waits to spring after you're married or they are really a man. Knowing they are all crazy look for one that is "Acceptably crazy." And... avoid red head unless you have strong hand.

Good luck kid,
Uncle Trey