Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Tower of Babel Poetry: "The Threshhold and the Critic"

Today I tried to translate something into Spanish online and it turns out I turned "No need to RSVP, it's FREE!" into "Not necessary to hold self in place, there is FREEDOM!" This Got me thinking about a new Tower of Babel Poem.

For those who forget check the links, but it basically is an original poem I translate online into another language, then back into English. If its good enough for stereo instructions its good enough for poetry right? (Some poetic licence taken)

Tower of Babel Version
"The Threshold and The Critic" By Trey Laminack and Babel Fish.

Some of opinion, God closes a door then opened is a window
Nut I find the devil that hopes, you know
Yearning for to land a blow upon the window, closed in his knuckles
How he obtains this task and drowned laughter?
He sends to his spies to criticize

"Working difficultly or difficultly working"
Some investigate whereas some make faces
What you must, you do, you do not know?
Do violence to the open window with its elbow, breakage
It does what I discovered, cuts his eye covers.


Spanish Online Translation
"el umbral y la crítica"
Algunos dicen cuándo el dios cierra una puerta que él abre una ventana
pero me encuentre es diablo que espera, usted sabe
anhelando cerrar de golpe la ventana cerrada en sus nudillos
cómo él logra esta tarea y risa ahogada
él envía a sus espías para criticar

"¿trabajando difícilmente o apenas trabajando?"
investigan mientras que hacen muecas
qué debe usted hace, usted no sabe?
rotura violenta la ventana detrás abierta con su codo
haga lo que hice, corte sus párpados.

Original English Poem:
"The Doorway and Criticism"

Some say when God closes a door he opens a window
But I find the is devil waiting, you know
Yearning to slam the window shut on your knuckles
How does he accomplish this task and chuckle
He sends his spies to criticize

"Working Hard or Hardly Working?"
They Inquire while grinning
What should you do, don't you know?
Smash the window back open with your elbow
Do what I did, cut off his eyelids.

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

RIP: "Working Hard or Hardly Working?" Eulogy for a dead joke.

Once before I retired/buried a joke, the annoying camo joke "I can't see you, where'd you go?"

Today another joke is being retired, and by retired I mean retired like a horse is retired to a glue factory. This joke is so overused it's become hackneyed, cliched and very vexing.

Somebody sticks their head into your office/cubicle/mad-bomber-shack and says, "Hey! You working hard or hardly working?" This is usually the office Alec Baldwin who takes it upon himself to keep tabs on what everyone else is doing instead of actually working himself. In it's most evolved form, this one liner is accompanied by "the wink and the gun." Where you wink and point one finger at the victim of your lack of creativity. Getting the combo of bad joke and wink/gun is probably what made you want to become a mad-bomber in the first place.

"Working hard or hardly workin'?"

Yes, you've said it before, I've said it before, everybody's said it before. Ergo, it is DEAD! A large part of the reason I like to put jokes out of their misery is that the quality of person who says it has dropped below acceptable standards. Whoever said that joke the first time was probably a comic genius. Then it got out into the public and the quick witted picked it up and repeated it. But now its been in syndication so long that even the dim-witted have learned it by rote memorization (even if they don't know what it means it always gets a polite chuckle, which, for the dim, is enough.)

Recently a man who I can't name but I think of as "that meathead" popped his head in and shot this one off and I thought, this joke deserves better. So, much like Cervantes killed of Don Quixote to prevent lesser writers from writ ting bad stories about him, I'm putting an end to "Working Hard or Hardly Working."

But I can't leave you with an empty spot in your already shallow joke reservoir, now can I? So I'll provide a few replacements. I guess the intent of this joke is two fold:
1) Be rude and point out that for the 1/10th of a second you walked by somebodies office they don't appear to be working. (THINKING IS WORKING!)
2) Cement in someones mind that you know some clever word play, or are a jerk or something.

So here are my replacement jokes. You poke your head into somebodies office and say:
  • "I heard putting your on the feet desk helps prevent heel spurs, do you have heel spurs?"
  • "Behold the habitat the endangered North American sloth, he's a beauty."
  • "Quick the boss is coming! Look busy!" Then quickly pull out of view and wait for a frantic shuffling sound from inside.
  • "Hey you bum, I make more money than you."
  • "Is this a bad time? I know if you don't get to daydream about ninjas for an hour each day your doctor said you'd have a seizure."
  • "So you're the one working on that big 'How You-Tube Can Save our Company' report I've been hearing so much about."
  • "Don't pull a muscle buddy." (This is my fave due to its brevity. Also you can substitute words for buddy to change it up. Try: champ, slugger, and bossman.)

And if someones asks you "Working Hard or Hardly Working" just shake your head and quickly draw in a hiss of breath and say, "Didn't you hear?" Shake head slowly. "That joke is dead." Stand up put one hand on Alec Baldwin's shoulder. "It came as a shock to me, too." Hug. "Let it out. Let it out." Tell them to read my blog.

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Monday, May 21, 2007

Things I just realized...

I just realized I should have bought that townhouse instead of the house with the big yard.

I just realized my glasses have been very crooked for more than a week, and nobody said a word.

I just realized I'm much too aware of my thinking, and my thinking about my thinking.

I just realized Craig and Tama had their last Sunday in Bible Hour.

I just realized I want a dog, and I guess I'll need that yard after all.

I just realized I've been getting to work 5 minutes later every month for 6 months.

I just realized I'm ok dying alone, its the living alone that gets to you.

I just realized my niece has a My Space.

I just realized that everything comes easy to me and this has become a problem for me.

I just realized I haven't tied or untied my shoes in a month, they've become slip-ons.

I just realized I rationalize a lot about how bad I eat and I'm going to die from it one day... possibly alone.

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

My one good Kent Brown Story

Kent brown is the father of two of my friends from High School Josh and Kyle. He was pretty involved in the youth group and I particularly recall him going on High School Adventure with us the 1st year. (That's Wilderness Trek if you don't know.)

When you pack they tell you to carry 25% of your body weight in your pack. If that were true Kent must have weighted 800 pounds! He started with a heavy pack and all along the trail he started carrying more stuff for people who were having trouble. One of those was yours truly.

I was not prepared for the physical challenge that Kent seemed to revel in. I think he carried most of my tent. (And my group couldn't afford those high tech ultralight jobs, we were using somebody's uncle army surplus tent which was heavy.)

He also made it to base camp well ahead of most of us and dropped off his stuff and doubled back to help. Basically making the trip twice over and always in good spirits. I had become pretty surly due to the exertion and the proximity to the sun on the mountain.

At base camp Kent had his tent up quickly but then made the rounds getting everyone set up. I remember he help us city boys without making us feel useless. He said something that made it seem like the tent being in a knot was the tent's fault and not ours. "These old things are tricky."

When we had our evening devotional focus shifted to Scott Shepherd and people were thanking him for making the trip happen. Nobody thanked Kent, and he was happy to be out of the spotlight and let Scott have the attention so he could teach us. I'm tempted to side trail onto a story Cary Bransum tells about me on this trip, the infamous "Get him!" Story but for once I'd like to keep the focus on Kent.

Even though I wasn't very close to Kent I can see the effect he's had on the lives of his kids, his family and his church. Kent was a man you could count on, who helped without being asked and who raised an amazing Christian family.

Kent passed away in New Orleans a week ago, he was working to rebuild. His funeral was attended by the Who's Who of my spiritual life. And I can see how he had an effect on them, and they in turn on me., and with God's help from me onto my kids.

Addendum: Check out Ryan's blog for a pic from this trip. Ryan says, "Note Trey's surliness and Kent's smile."

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Counting down from 13, the first thing I think of is...

13 is a baker's dozen.

12 is a Jerk Baker's Dozen.

11 is the number of the first Apollo mission to land on the moon

10 is the Number of Plagues of Egypt

9 is the Number of levels of the Underworld in Mayan Mythology

8 is the Snowman.

7 is the inning with the Stretch

6 is the number of Geese-a-laying

5 is the number of Pillars of Islam

4 is unlucky in China

3 is the number of Men in a Tub. Butcher, Baker and Candlestick maker.

2 is the number of numbers in Binary, although 2 isn't one of them. (They are 0 and 1.)

1 is the loneliest number.

0 is the card number for the Tarot card, "The Fool."

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