7 Habits of Highly Effect Houseguests

1) Do not leave toenail clippings on the bathroom floor. Sweep them up and hide them in the butter.

2) When there is a question of whose turn it is in the shower say, "You can go first, just let me turn on the camera."

3) Try and find a way to contribute to the household. I like teach the pet dog tricks, like every time the doorbell rings the dog will attack a houseplant.

4) Become a ghost, give the family time alone without you. Also, cut eye holes in their sheets and jump out at them during their late night trips to the bathroom.

5) Don't talk to much about uncomfortable subjects. For example, if the topic, "When are you leaving?" comes up. Gently redirect the conversation and try to mention the Beijing Olympic games in 2008.

6) Food. Bring one item. And say, "What's mine is yours!" They will feel pressure to reciprocate, then dig in.

7) Steal things. Every American's household is too cluttered. They will appreciate it if you occasionally walk off and pawn little nicknacks, gew-gaws and family airlooms that have been collecting dust in a China cabinet.

I am such a joy to have in the house, my comments so witty, my aromas so pleasant that if I don't do some of these things people will be devastated when I leave. What advice do you have for houseguests?