Minister's Mooch Meal: A Guide to Free Food
My sister is compiling a cookbook for the Saturn Road 50's anniversary. Here is my submission.
Minister's Mooch Meal: A Guide to Free Food
By Trey Laminack
This recipe calls for:
1 Cup Hunger
2 Tbs. Poverty
A Dash of Moxy
Salt and Pepper to Taste
Ten Tricks of the Trade:
1) Know when to loiter: Best Times include after Bible Class and after 2nd Service
2) Select your target: Good targets - Empty Nesters, Baby Boomers. Bad targets - Visitors, College Students.
3) Approach: Approach a group making plans for lunch an angle. Never from behind or directly head on, as this is confrontational. (With the proper reputation they will approach you.)
4) The Opener: Open the entire group but do not specifically mention food. Example: "What have you guys got planned for the rest of the day?"
5) Attitude: Act like you've got somewhere to be. This makes you look like your not begging, but don't look too busy. It's a matter of finesse.
6) The invitation: When it comes (and it will) smile and say, "That'd be great, I've been wanting to talk with you guys some more."
7) The location: At this point the usual "Where do you want to eat?" war happens. People don't want to make a decision. You should already have a place in mind, bearing in mind expense, kid friendly and you personal taste. Showing you can make a decision of this nature proves you are a valuable part of the dinning group.
8) Be the center of attention: If people enjoy your company then they will invite you back. When you get a really big laugh excuse yourself for a moment (leave them wanting more). Use this time to visit the kid's table, giving the targets a chance to appreciate you verbally to each other.
9) The Bill: It is best not to totally ignore the bill, better to visually recognize it but carry on with your conversation. 90% of the time the target will drop plastic and hand it back to the waiter.
10) The Thank You: By all means be gracious but remember that ideally they should thank you for eating with them.
Beware the Traps:
1) The Bill: You may be tempted to do that "half-reach" thing for the bill to illicit your target to pick it up first, but if this backfires you end up holding it.
2) Lose of credibility: If this happens reassert yourself. After they pick up the tab you spring for dessert, people will forget their larger investment in the face of a brownie fudge Sunday! (Remember, you get to eat some too.)
3) The Kids Table: Invariably I get placed at the kid's table becoming defacto babysitter. If this happens color and have fun and order the most expensive thing on the menu.
4) The Blind Date - Beware free food if it comes with a chance to meet someone's niece or co-worker. Tell them that historically you don't date girls with "good personalities."
Well, there you have it. Don't forget, I'll be starting Project Nonconformity later this week. Some have asked how to prepare for this. In the spirit of recipes here is your list of ingredients you'll need:
2 Pair of Clean Socks
1 Pair Blue Jean or Wrinkle free Khaki's
2 Comfortable monotone shirts (no plaids)
1 Passport
1 English-Russian Dictionary or working knowledge thereof.
1 Pocket Knife
3 Coupons for local supermarket, preferably Baby Food
7 Pieces of Graph Paper
1 Mechanical Pencil
12 Business Cards or 12 index cards with your information written on them.
$300 personal burial money
1 Savior in Jesus
A Dash of Moxy
Do not bring shame or guilt about your life.
posted by Trey Laminack @ 8:32 AM
10 comments
10 Comments:
I think there is some limitations you haven't hit yet. Like in our case, I find it quite difficult to mooch a meal for a family of five. I'll re-review you recipe to see if there something we can improve on... Perhaps a tear from the young daughter?
I cut a bit out about the odds of this working.
100% being a single male with no kids.
-10% for a female (the bias is they can cook for themselves)
-25% if married (if married they assume you have meal plans or at least groceries)
-15% for the first child (on child is doable.)
-20% for each additional child (more children really drop your odds.)
Therefore Married +3 kids = only a 10% chance of this working.
You realize now how few invites you are going to get. Of course, you will still get invited to our place; we frequently have a lot of leftovers we want to get rid of. You have definitely proved yourself valuable in that particular area.
I actually think this may increase my invites. People will want to be part of the trend.
I shall practice the "half reach" technique more often. Of course, I'd love that free dessert too.
It's true Trey. They will ask you ou more.
Because I believe that they WANTED to ask you out, but were timid to do so. They might have been afraid of cramping your style or not being cool enough.
I began experimenting with this as a single person, but I was not able to become the expert that Trey's since I have become married.
I think you should up the penalty for being married to 40%.
The only way me and Robyn get asked to after-church lunch is if a HUGE group is ging out and they are REALLY feeling the party atmosphere. Then they feel like we'd be missing out on the post-service lunch of the year if we went home and will demand that we come with them.
Come by F.W. we'll order Pizza with any toppings you want (you know, home cookin')
But, I am preparing for the PROJECT, and it takes more $ than that to get buried... glumly... However, I do have business cards...
Hmmmm...guilt is what holds my shoulders to my neck so it may be hard to leave behind, any suggestions.
Excellent. As for nairb's point, is it acceptable to leave your family behind in order to get the free meal?
Next, please give some eengineering pointers on stacking your plate at a pot-luck. I've even thought of this as a class... Structural Engineering for the Church Pot-Luck: Theory, Theology, and Application
The most important rule of the pot luck is to bring nothing. If you don't have the guts bring bread... day old bread.
Then in the center of your plate load up the heavist items first, ignore the lines and jump right in. Around this hub of pot roast, build a hedge of dense sides like mashed potatoes green bean casarole. This will give you a second level to pile stuff on I call the loft.
On the loft try and stay a little lighter... go for the lazagna. Then some homemade bread (avoid the day old bread some mooch brought)
On top of the bread place a dessert plate. You usually can't get more than three but if you are quick you can eat a couple of cookies in line.
Yes, the in-line consumption technique... I once saw a guy try it a Luby's. I immediatley thought, "Too many church pot-lucks."
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