Fixer upper

I think I'd make a good fixer upper. A starter husband. That way in 10 years, she can flip me for a profit and I'll have a new marble countertop. But with the housing market the way it is people are a little skeptical.

What work really needs to be done?

Maybe I should get repainted, but I think I'm allergic to spray on tan.

I really should clean out the attic, lots of trash there.

Also, the furnace seems to smoke more than it should and the AC can't keep up in the summer.

Perhaps I should take out the carpet and go down to the hardwood, do straight men shave their chest?

New windows would be good, but can I afford Lasik?

Also, I'm sure my foundation is cracked. So you can sink a few thousand dollars into me but sooner or later it will all disappear into a hole in the ground.