Bad Marital "Advice"

OK, since I announced my engagement I have gotten a lot of "advice." And yes, "advice" should be in quotes because I'm using the word ironically. And yes, ironically should be in italics because I'm adding emPHAsis! And yes, PHA should be in all caps because I'm beating a dead horse.

Anywho! I've gotten a lot of bad marital advice. I'm worried that in the slush pile there might be some good advice I'm throwing out with the bad. Here are a collection of things I've been told about marriage by friends, coworkers, elders at my church, my family and others. I've leaving them anonymous because I plan on ripping them to shreds in a bit.

And I warn you, these are actual quotes from actual people who actually said them to me, most in the church building, actually! Most "advice" takes the form of dark prophecies of doom.

"Advice" Given to me by Women!
You're life is going to change sooo much.
You're marrying up.
You're life is no longer your own.
I can't wait to she how she betters you!
Now, don't use that tone with Sara.
Many men don't get a say in the decorations of their house... other than to pay.
Sure, you say that now Trey but you'll understand when your married!
Well, she'll straighten you out quick.

Let me distill the advice from women:
"You're life was pretty sad before. She's great and is doing an act of charity by taking you on as a project."

"Advice" from Men:
You're life is over!
Dead man walkin!
Get ready for the ole ball and chain.
You only got 1 week of freedom left!
Do what ever she says and don't ask questions.
Women good. Men bad.
You're marrying up.
Once your married the fun is over... its a bait-and-switch deal.
If you're going to have fun you'll have to hid it.
How long til the big day... you know weddings and funerals are a lot alike...

Summary of Men's Advice:
"Run! Change your name! I don't like married life."

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All in all I'm more offended by the women. I see that most of the men's comments are just ribbing and hyperbole. But you women really think you've saying something helpful when dozens of you say, "She's going to improve you" basically implying I've been crud before now.

I'm sure people meant well. Many thought they were being funny. But these jokes might reveal people's true feeling about marriage but I sure hope not! Questions arise:

• Did you men choose bad mates or did they change or have you no spine?
• Did you women choose poorly or change dramatically or do you really want men with no spine?
• Are men truly perpetually immature and unable to make even the simplest decisions for themselves or are women truly domineering, controlling and soul-crushing?
• Do you men have no fun?
• Did you women change into enemies of fun?
• Does every woman out there but Sara think I'm a worthless lump?

The Final Responses:

First, I'm sorry if your marriage experience is unfulfilling recently. Men, I like spending time with Sara who is lots of fun. Women, see point number 2.

Secondly, I think my life was pretty good before. She and I were both good at being single. I think I'm worthy of her and she of me. I'll agree that I'm marrying up but I am not a worthless lump!

Thirdly, I know change is coming. But Sara is not out to change me into something I'm not, I trust her completely in this regard! I welcome the changes in my life marriage will bring, and yes... I'm sure I don't fully understand it all yet.

Above all: Thank you for you words of advice (be they poorly worded, hyperbole, meant as a joke, or cliche) and DON'T SQUELCH OUT LOVE!!!!!!

P.s. I've actually gotten some good advice that I didn't include on this list. If you have any more that doesn't sound like that listed above please feel free to comment.

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New Church Words

Word of Warning:

Not for those who have yet to grow a sense of humor.

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Post-Sermon Rustle (PSR) - It seems in preaching school they make you develop a signature closing phrase, much like news anchors. This phrase usually ends with "... as together we stand and sing." The opening syllables of this phrase sets off the Post-Sermon Rustle. People start folding Bibles and getting out song books, others gather their kids toys. Sometimes accompanied by the PSM, the Post-Sermon Murmur as people discuss going to lunch.

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This morning in the shower I came up with this term, "Theology of Least Resistance" to describe some church behavior. "Making a decision based on which perceived outcome will garner the fewest complaints." I'm not immune to the concept in Children's Ministry.

Example: Trey decided to changed the LTC scripts and group assignments not because of artistic or Biblical reasons but to receive fewer terse emails from parents.

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I'm also prone to "the-way-we-have-always-done-it-ism" but this is harder to pronounce, maybe it should be TWWHADI... "Twwhadi" pronounced "Twha-dee.

Example: Trey pulled a Twwhadi when he organized an Easter Egg hunt even though it has been poorly attended the past few years because they've always had an Easter egg hunt.

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And now some brief ones:

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Addicts - This is what I call people who congregate around the coffee pot.

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Deacon - Elder in Training, kind of like the Cub Scouts.

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Eschatology - The study of whether or not to install an escalator in the church.

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Sacred - The pew you've sat in for 30 years that some visitor is rudely occupying.

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Next Year - Never. (Example: I'll volunteer next year.)

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Raise hands - 1) To lift up hands. 2) In a hymn: To place hands on lap.

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Dance - 1) To move joyously. 2) In a hymn: To sit.

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Birdseye - A chance for the song leader to show you who's boss.

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Laud - What you say when its really hot in the church. "Laud, its hot in here."

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Ebenezer - 1) Grouchy miser 2) Stone of Help

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Stone of Help - Nobody knows what this means.

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Fetter - A heavy feather, or fatter feather.

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Diadem - Part of instructions on how to make a tie-dye shirt. "Step 1, Rubber Bands. Step 2, Diadem."

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Emergent Church - A church that is... emerging from something... like a hermit crab...

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Postmodern - 1) Younger than 40: A new way of viewing the world and truth. 2) Older than 40: Wrong.

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Unpack - A verb used by preachers when they want to make you feel stupid. "We should all be beautiful, benevolent believers... let me unpack that for you. To be beautiful is to be..."

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Canon - What they shoot you out of if you try and preach from the end of Mark 8.

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Hermeneutic - The study of the book of Herman.

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Sinner - Someone who does the "big sins"

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Heresy - Doing, saying or thinking something that isn't Twwhadi.

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Change - 1) What kids give to contribution. 2) There is no other acceptable definition other than 1.

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Hallelujah - What you say when church is over.

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Ok, end of list. Again, I want to remind you this list is meant to be humorous... perhaps I should follow the "Theology of Least Resistance" and delete this post...

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