Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Turkey Day

The turkey you imagine you will eat...
...the grotesque white farm raised bird you will actually eat.
Bon Appetite!

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Monopoly: Saturn Road Edition

Monopoly keeps making variant editions of Monopoly including Simpson's, Elvis, Disney and Dallasopoly... you name it they'll add 'opoly' to the end of it.

So I figured why not make a Saturn Road Edition! Monopoly provides a nice dispersion from least to most valuable properties. (If you are easily offended by the truth read no further.)

Properties:

Mediterranean (60) - Trey/Cecelia's Shared Office
Baltic (60) - Workroom/Jaton's Office

Oriental (100) - Cradle Roll Classrooms
Vermont (100) - Preschool Classrooms
Connecticut (120) - Elementary Classrooms

St. Charles (140) - Youth Ministry Offices
States (140) - Adult Ministry Offices
Virginia (160) - Preacher's Office
(Yes, there are minister offices bigger than classrooms.)

St. James (180) - Teen Pews in Auditorium (Where no pens can be found.)
Tennessee (180) - Teen Kitchen
New York (200) - Teen Area

Kentucky (220) - Chapel
Indiana (220) - Library
Illinois (240) - Baptistery

Atlantic (260) - Center Middle Pews "Old Marrieds."
Ventnor (260) - Far right wedge of Pews "Young Marrieds"
Marvin Gardens (280) - Back 5 Rows of Pews "Old People"
(These three should actually be yellow but you can't read it.)

Pacific (300) - Room 141/142 "Gary's Old Classroom"
North Carolina (300) - Family Center Kitchen
Pennsylvania (320) - Family Center

Park Place (350) - The Coffee Maker
Boardwalk (400) - The Pulpit

Railroads: (Parking)
Reading - South Parking Lot
Pennsylvania - North Parking Lot
B&O - Distant North Parking Lot
Short Line - Park across the street near the taqueria.

Other Squares:
Go! (Collect $200) - Benevolence
Community Chest - Elders Conference Room (They decide who wins the beauty contest and who gets the $10 for coming in 2nd.)
Chance - Secretary Pool (Who did you think really makes the decisions around here?)
Income Tax (%10) - Tithe
Luxury Tax ($100) - Special Collection
Jail/Just Visiting - Singles Class/Teaching the Singles Class
Go to Jail - Graduate from High School or Divorce
Electric Company (150) - Mechanical Closet
Water Works (150) - Bathroom
Free Parking - That couch in the family center where you can sit if you aren't interested in actually going to class during class time.

There, now we just need to doctor a board and play!

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Facebook Requests

Ok, before I click ignore all I'm finally going to look at all this trash people send me on facebook.

For the record, other than flair, I'm not interested in any apps or facebook groups or whatever you want me to join. I'm not into facebook fads.

Here is what is currently pending on my facebook requests page:
(I don't know what most of these even are!)

3 Friend suggestions - No thanks
59 Friend requests - This seems like a lot because I never reject anyone, I just table veto it.
1 Event invitation
4 Cause invitations - I'm not into causes just effects! ba-zing!
10 New Notifications
7 Group Invitations - Your group is not important to me.
3 Group Confirmations - My group is not important to me
1 Star Wave request - IDK
3 Kidnap! requests - Are you wanted to kidnap me or am I supposed to kidnap you?
6 (lil) green patch requests - The world is going fine, its ok to litter now.
8 top friend requests - We really have to have two tiers of fake friends on facebook now! I'm waiting to be someones top top friend
1 digital bookshelf friend request - Intriguing but I'm too lazy to enter every book I own online.
2 mob wars invitations - I'm not Italian.
2 dot game request - IDK
1 how long would you survive in a horror movie invitation - I'd make it out and survive the sequel.
1 relative request - So are we not officially related unless I agree to this ap?
6 nicest person requests - Get a life losers. Who's nice now?
2 hug requests - Consider your request for a digital hug denied.
2 tinyadventures invitation - I'm too big to be tiny.
2 coolest persons request - Well, maybe...
2 bumper sticker requests - Do you people never learn?
2 triumph invitations - I will not join your legion, triumph alone or not at all.
2 word challenge invitations - idk
3 friend quiz invitation - If I fail do we still have to be friends?
1 more bumper stick request - Apparently there are two separate aps for bumper stickers.
1 kickups challenge - idk
2 bowling buddies invitation - If we've never bowled IRL then we won't online either.
9 superpoke invitations - lame
(Dozens of regular pokes have gone unpoked back. I'm not into retaliation poking.)
1 brain game request - pass
1 DC comics superhero request - tempting
2 YoVille game invitations - I love Yoyo's and say "yo" a lot but still no thanks.
1 Smile request - :) there you go, now leave me alone.
1 Scramble invitation - when I learned its not about eggs I passed
1 Which Bible character are you invitation - I didn't take the quiz but I'm pretty sure I'm Judas.
1 My Hero ability request - again i didn't take the quiz but I'm going to say mine is sarcasm
7 Funniest friends invitation - I hope you found this list and subsequent rejection funny.

and before I compiled a list I ignored a whole slew of old things like:
Jedi vs. Sith
Drug War
and countless other recruiting contests that are pointless.

There you have it. Well over 100 things asking for my attention. Why? I'm glad you thought of me. Thank you. I'm touched. But I am now clicking reject all!

(Well, I'm still not rejecting friends, nor am I accepting them. If I haven't actually sat down across a table and eaten a meal with you I'm leaving you in unrejected limbo!)

Ok, its done! I want to be your friend in real life, if all we have is facebook we aren't really very good friends. Still... SUPERPOKE!

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Monday, November 10, 2008

Untapped Markets

Did you ever see an untapped market and say, "I can make a million dollars there." Well it happens to me all the time only I'm too lazy to bother with them. So I figure my friends might as well make a million then maybe they can buy me lunch.

Untapped Markets:

Paintings for the Blind - Shoot a piece of tin with a shotgun. The bumps and protuberance might very well be art for the blind.

Pop-up popper - You hook up two mouses to one computer and its homebody's job to pop all the pop ups.

Teaching Eskimo's English - Just think, one you teach them that there's only one word for snow you're like halfway there.

Online Diploma Maker - If you've got a printer you could be your own college. People tell you what they want their degree in and bingo you sell them one. Congrats, doctor.

Disciplinarian at Large - Ever see kids behaving like brats at a restaurant and their parents do nothing. Just walk over show their parents the menu of discipline you provide. Then spank the child in front of an audience tell him to be quiet and collect $40.

Carbon Debit - Offer to buy peoples carbon credits for pennies on the dollar. Then you have... uhm... nothing I guess. Ok, forget this one.

Advocate for the Content - Angry people have advocates, why not the content. Collect money and go to Washington and tell them to change nothing. Warning: its hard to collect from this group.

Door to Door Milk Smeller - I can never tell when the milk has turned. You might also sniff yogurt and cheese, expand to all dairy.

Parallel Dimension Organ Harvester - We all know that there is a parallel dimension where there is an evil version of you if you are good and a good version of you if you are evil. So if a good Jim here needs an heart you travel there and take it from Evil Jim. Automatic 100% donor match. Also both dimensions are better off.

Netflix Watcher - I often don't have the time to watch the netflix that come in my mail. And I feel guilty that they just sit there. Others have this problem also. So you go to their house watch their movies and return them for them.

Unstylist - You go to your unstylist and they say, "You look great! Don't get a hair cut and keep the clothes you have, foxy mama!" They give you $50 which is cheaper than what you'd've spent on a haircut and clothes.

Trend Killer - This is the job I want myself. I want to be the one who decides when a trend is dead. Sorry, we're no longer giving each other flair, that's over. Ooops, you waited to long to use the word "Crunk" its dead. A good rule of thumb is if your white and over 40 and you are aware of a trend... its over.

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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Is this what John Kerry felt like?

And for that matter Gore?

I've voted in every presidential election available to me and until last night I was batting a thousand. But the person I voted for lost, fairly decisively. This has never happened to me.

I'm vexed by this feeling, to have something go the opposite way I want it to. This hasn't happened very often in my life. I've done and achieved what I wanted. I wanted an education, a girlfriend and buffalo wings and I got them.

And now there is this stinker in my life for 4 years. I'm taking it very personally. Yes, this election will have consequences nationally and abroad but right now I'm just stymied by the feeling that what I, Trey Milhouse Vanderbilt Hussein Laminack, did not get his way.

Am I the world's most petulant child?

Upon reflection, I don't really think I feel the same the way that Kerry and Gore supporters did. For one thing, I've never vowed to leave the country upon defeat. If I did I've the character to follow thru (hint hint Alec Baldwin). Also, if I had a McCain/Palin bumper sticker on my car (which I don't) I would take it off now. I still see Kerry and Gore stickers driving around in a complete state of denial.

I pray Obama makes good decisions. I have to admit that I kind of like the guy. Even if he doesn't have the record or character I look for in a president. He seems ok as a person. I'm sure the media will spin any mistakes he makes into wise choices, but lets hope he has the courage to do something original: Think for himself.

In conclusion I like Obama and hate the liberal media, Oprah, Jeremiah Wright, overly digital election coverage, higher taxes and bumper stickers.

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